Last night, my mom called me. We very rarely speak to each other because 1) I can never get ahold of her and 2) she’s bitter about my dad’s side of the family and likes to take it out on me. Anyway, unsurprisingly, she didn’t want anything. She only called to tell me she knows I dropped out of school. Okay, and…?
My mom has a habit of doing this, really. Not just trying to antagonize people she doesn’t like, but behaving in ways merely to spite people. She’s done this since I was kid, when I was still young enough to be a bargaining tool.
In short, it’s been twenty years and she still sucks at being a mother.
You’d think I cut her out of my life, at least temporarily, with the way she acts, but I can never bring myself to. I have tried to fix our relationship and all of my attempts fail. I know she won’t change. Why would she? She typically gets what she wants through manipulation. She can’t deal with someone who doesn’t think she’s always right or her word is law. She doesn’t like to admit when she’s wrong either. That’s not to say people haven’t done wrong to her. In fact, her own mother was actually worse to her than she was to me (cycle of abuse, basically).
Years ago, my mom once mentioned how she said she’d never treat her kids the way her mom treated her. Unfortunately, she only got it half-right. She may not have treated my sister and I as badly as her mom did, but her parenting was still abysmal. The only reason my sister is still in her good graces is she follows my mom around like a shadow and rarely questions a word out of her mouth.
I posted about this in a Facebook group and everyone who replied basically told me the same thing: I have to accept she will never be mother I need. And I want to accept that, yet I feel I can’t. The guilt that results from even considering cutting her out is crushing. I have no idea what the guilt is even for, but I feel bound and chained by it. But eventually, I’m going to have to figure out how to break those chains. I’m only 20 now, but soon enough, I will be 21, 22, 25, 30, and so on. I’ve already spent about two decades under her thumb. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and unsuccessfully trying to fix my relationship with her.
Being over eighteen is supposed to mean you’re free from your parents’ control. I don’t even live with her, nor have I for the past four years, and I don’t feel free. I feel like a caged rat.
In eight months, I will be 21 years old. I can hardly believe it. I still remember being five years old and thinking of how long it would take me to get up here. It did take longer, but I miss being smaller. At least then, I could be picked up and carried. The only reason I hate being carried is I’m too big.
Regardless of how old I get, however, there are some things I have sworn to never do in my life, no matter how bad it gets or how I bored I get. Note that I have no general negative opinion of people who choose to do and enjoy these things. I’m simply choosing not to.
- Drugs. That means alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, and whatever else falls under that list that won’t be used for a medical reason. I’ve had enough alcohol and cigarettes in my life. Heck, I live with a smoker! When I finally have my own place, no smoking will be permitted at all. Absolutely zero!
- Clubbing/Wild parties. I’d rather give myself a concussion than ever do either of these. I hate loud noise, I hate crowds, I hate flashiness, and I hate dancing. Plus, these events are notorious for having people who spike your drink. Any place where I have to worry about someone drugging me is out of the question. No exceptions.
- Casual sex. This is if I ever have sex at all. But even if I were not an ace, I’d never have a sexual casual relationship, regardless of how much I trusted that person. Sex is not something I ever want to think of the way I think about what I’m having for dinner.
- Anything I know is dangerous. I don’t care if you only live once. I’m not going to do something I know is guaranteed to get me killed if I go ahead with it. That means things like skydiving and such. I know safety is taken into consideration with stunts like that, but frankly, I’m not willing to risk my life for a thrill.
- Try to keep up with the latest fads. While I like my electronics and whatnot, the truth is I couldn’t care less about keeping up with the newest device. If I genuinely wanted a new one, I might go for the latest, but if the one I currently have is working absolutely fine, I’m not going to run out and grab another just because it’s newer.
- Buy new things just for the sake of having new stuff. This applies to clothing. While I will buy something here and there, I will never toss out my whole wardrobe and buy a new one because it’s old or out of style. Really, I’ve never cared for fashion trends. If the clothes still fit and aren’t torn, there’s no reason to throw them out.
- Fight. I have been a pacifist since I was in my early teens. The only fighting I like is play-fighting, and even that, I tire of quickly.
- Own a weapon. In regards to violence, the only thing I hate more than fighting are weapons. Particularly guns, but not only them. They’re also not going to be allowed in my house when I’m on my own (not that my relatives I live with have any). I don’t care how properly handled they are. If it’s something typically used for killing, get it away from me!
I have a lot of dreams. Buy a house, be self-employed, be away from my family. However, my biggest dream is to own a large flower garden.
That dream comes from an ideal I have of flowers being the most beautiful things in the world. The vision I have in my head is the sun shining on the garden as butterflies are fluttering about in it. I know it’s a fantasy, as it definitely wouldn’t be that perfect realistically, but it’s still something I want to see.
My favorite flowers are red tulips, but I want to have many different kinds in my garden. Tulips, lilies, sunflowers, pansies, and whatever else could fit in. I’d want to have the garden right behind my house, which means I’d need a lot of space.
After being uncertain for so long, I finally have my mind made up about what I want to be: a self-employed web designer. I’m not sure how to go about it, but that’s not strange. I do hope if I ever get that going, some other things will get going too…like my dream of a garden.
I’m not the only one with college troubles. My best friend struggled with school and, despite trying her hardest, couldn’t keep her grades satisfactory. In actuality, it’s not entirely her fault. They’re her grades, yes, but the school screwed her over more than once. I helped her write an appeal and we’re both hoping it gets approve, so she can continue attending.
I was so angry when she told me she might lose her aid and be forced to withdraw. Not only because the school screwed her over, but because she works harder than anyone I know in my personal life. I don’t want to be there, so I couldn’t care less what they do to me, but she deserves to have her dreams more than anyone because she works the hardest. Whatever help I am able to give to her, I will.
If, heaven forbid, her letter isn’t approved, she will be heartbroken and I will lose my mind.
I never wanted to go to college and only did so out of pressure. Now, I really don’t have to go.
Long story short, I have a bill of over $3,500 to pay and I can’t register for any classes until it’s entirely paid off. I’m not sure how I’ll manage that, but at least I no longer have anything to worry about. That’s less debt than most and I can pay it.
Now, I really need to find a job. Now more than ever. I’m not sure how, but I’ll think of something. Right now, I’m planning to sell some of my old games for a little extra cash. I wish I could find out how to work from home, but I haven’t a clue as to how to go about that.
In the meantime, I’m going to try to not to get down on myself. The only reason I’m even feeling this way is due to pressure from family. I’m genuinely happy. I have lots of free time, so why be sad?