A Bad End

I haven’t posted much, obviously. That’s due to a combination of not knowing what to post about and being depressed lately. 2014 ends in two weeks. I’m very glad because this year has sucked.

  • I dropped out of school because I couldn’t handle the stress or keep up with the work.
  • I had a one-month relationship. One freaking month.
  • I’m horrible with this dating thing. I’ve learned that well.
  • I gave oral sex to a guy and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. That’s the last time I let my curiosity get the better of me.
  • Sunny is ill, possibly fatally ill. He’s alright for the time being, but there’s no telling how long that will last.
  • I am still unemployed and it’s becoming harder and harder not to get discouraged.
  • I had to leave a forum I was a part of and enjoyed because I made one very stupid slip-up.
  • I was dumped for having anxiety.
  • Just all around feeling awful and regretting a lot of things.

If Sunny dies, I’m not looking for anyone else because I’ve had it. I know one year is very soon to be giving up, but I cannot do this over and over. I admire the people who can, but I can’t. I cannot go through five, ten, twenty, or however many years of breakups and disappointment until I find a relationship that lasts. I’d rather get pets and be happy like that.

The only good things that came out of this year are some movies I got see, a new obsession, my iPad, and time spent with my best friend.

An Angel I See

This past Saturday, my eight-year-old cousin came to visit. I don’t see her often, but I love spending time with her. She’s a sweet, typical kid. Loves cartoons, loves to play games, loves being silly, and she’s fairly quiet, though she seems to be growing out of that. She was quieter when she was younger than she is now. The first time she ever came to visit (I think she was five), the only sound she made was when she cried about simply walking to the back room alone. Now, she has no problem with our house and will respond without trouble if you talk to her.

In my eyes, my cousin is an ideal child. Well-behaved, patient, able to sit quietly and occupy herself, polite. Out of all the times I’ve been with her, she threw a tantrum one time. And she had reason because she was tired and had been abruptly woken up. I couldn’t blame her. Nobody likes being woken up, especially not in such a rush.

Every now and then, I think if it were guaranteed my first child would be like my cousin, I’d consider being a parent. However, experiences like the above knock me back down the Earth. I don’t doubt my cousin is well-behaved most of the time, but in truth, I can only make that judgment based on the small amount of time I spend with her and what my aunt (her grandmother) tells me. At most, I only spend a few hours with my cousin when one of us visits the other. I see the sweet, playful side of her because, unless she ever feels like throwing fits for a day, there’s no reason for her to behave any differently in the few hours I’m with her.

Even if I spent a full 24 hours with her, I may not see much difference in her behavior. She would have people to pay attention to her, she knows she is wanted and loved, she has plenty of things to play with, and she has more than enough to eat if she’s hungry. The only way I’d see anything different from what I know of her is if someone or something agitated her, which, from what I hear, is rare.

It’s unrealistic to expect anyone to be proper 100% of the time, let alone a child who still has a lot of growing and learning to do. Most kids stop throwing tantrums around my cousin’s age, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they know how to deal with unpleasant feelings. If I spent a week with my cousin, chances are I’d see fits, some stubbornness, and some sadness or even anger. No matter angelic I see her as, the fact remains she is human, not a flat character in a TV show. Spending 24/7 with her is much different than a few hours, especially if she spends that time occupying herself and not needing or wanting someone’s attention.

When I was a child, I often got upset at myself for not being perfect. I actually thought something was wrong with me (being asked by an adult what’s wrong with me didn’t help either) because I couldn’t perfect like everyone else seemed to, or I couldn’t be good like I was the previous day. When I was old enough to seriously think about parenting, I envisioned my child always being happy and loving because they’d have no reason to ever be upset. I hadn’t yet learned that nobody is perfect and it’s okay because perfection does not exist. Children are going to act out from time to time, no matter how well their parents are raising them, because people make mistakes. I wish someone had to told me as a child, “It’s alright you feel this way. You just can’t [whatever I did that was inappropriate].” Honestly, even as an adult, I don’t see the point in punishing a kid because they’re unhappy.

My little cousin reminds me of childhood and what it was like to be so young, innocent, and joyful. And while I know it can’t last forever, I do hope, unlike me, she is able to grow and mature at her own pace instead of having to be hurried into it.

Two Careers In One?

First off, let me just say I didn’t post about the Six Flags trip because it was awful. And no, I didn’t meet Sunny. I don’t know exactly what happened, but I don’t think he even came. The last time I was able to talk to him before going, he wasn’t feeling very well. Now, that that’s out of the way…

About two months ago, I posted about my biggest dream. Now, something has changed. Or rather, something been added.

Instead of a web designer, I seem to find myself wanting to become an animator. My mind has changed three times over the course of two years. When I mentioned this to a fave blogger of mine, she told me I could be all of those things and I shouldn’t limit myself. But the truth is I’m afraid to pursue either of those dreams. Art careers are notorious for being risky and the phrase “starving artist” exists for a reason. I gave up the first goal (which I will not mention, but it wasn’t art-related) because I’m clumsy and could hardly stay awake for the lectures (14 years of sitting and being lectured is enough). Granted, if I were to attend college for design or animation, it might be similar, but I don’t think sitting and reading out of a textbook is all that’d be happening. The blogger’s advice in regards to becoming a freelance animator was:

As far as I can tell, the secret is simply to make stuff, share it with as many people as possible and network a lot.

I don’t know how to network, but all in all, it sounds like a good start and it’ll let me know if I really want to stick with it or not. Of course, some programs for animation would be needed first. All I have is Photoshop, which I don’t even use to draw. I use it to add text, effects, and backgrounds. I was considering making an art blog on Tumblr, but I’ll probably just combine it with my main one until I’m certain I like what I’m doing. I already made the mistake of going to college against my wishes once. I’m not going to do it again.

Meet At Six Flags, Maybe?

Next week, I’m going to Fright Fest at Six Flags. I’ll most likely be babysitting a six-year-old and some of her friends, but that’s no problem.

I told Sunny about the upcoming and wouldn’t you know? It looks like the darn stars and planets aligned because by the mother of all coincidences, he’s going to Six Flags on the same date. If we manage to find each other, it’ll be the first time we finally meet in person.

I have to admit I’m rather ecstatic about the idea. If I have the kids with me, of course, that’ll create a problem, but I’ll have a chance to return them during lunch or so and I can meet up with Sunny then. I’m secretly hoping I can spend half the day with the kids and the other half with him.

The trip is only nine days away, but now, it almost feels like an eternity. I really can’t wait! :D

You’re Still A Bad Mother

Last night, my mom called me. We very rarely speak to each other because 1) I can never get ahold of her and 2) she’s bitter about my dad’s side of the family and likes to take it out on me. Anyway, unsurprisingly, she didn’t want anything. She only called to tell me she knows I dropped out of school. Okay, and…?

My mom has a habit of doing this, really. Not just trying to antagonize people she doesn’t like, but behaving in ways merely to spite people. She’s done this since I was kid, when I was still young enough to be a bargaining tool.

In short, it’s been twenty years and she still sucks at being a mother.

You’d think I cut her out of my life, at least temporarily, with the way she acts, but I can never bring myself to. I have tried to fix our relationship and all of my attempts fail. I know she won’t change. Why would she? She typically gets what she wants through manipulation. She can’t deal with someone who doesn’t think she’s always right or her word is law. She doesn’t like to admit when she’s wrong either. That’s not to say people haven’t done wrong to her. In fact, her own mother was actually worse to her than she was to me (cycle of abuse, basically).

Years ago, my mom once mentioned how she said she’d never treat her kids the way her mom treated her. Unfortunately, she only got it half-right. She may not have treated my sister and I as badly as her mom did, but her parenting was still abysmal. The only reason my sister is still in her good graces is she follows my mom around like a shadow and rarely questions a word out of her mouth.

I posted about this in a Facebook group and everyone who replied basically told me the same thing: I have to accept she will never be mother I need. And I want to accept that, yet I feel I can’t. The guilt that results from even considering cutting her out is crushing. I have no idea what the guilt is even for, but I feel bound and chained by it. But eventually, I’m going to have to figure out how to break those chains. I’m only 20 now, but soon enough, I will be 21, 22, 25, 30, and so on. I’ve already spent about two decades under her thumb. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and unsuccessfully trying to fix my relationship with her.

Being over eighteen is supposed to mean you’re free from your parents’ control. I don’t even live with her, nor have I for the past four years, and I don’t feel free. I feel like a caged rat.

Things I Will Never Do

In eight months, I will be 21 years old. I can hardly believe it. I still remember being five years old and thinking of how long it would take me to get up here. It did take longer, but I miss being smaller. At least then, I could be picked up and carried. The only reason I hate being carried is I’m too big.

Regardless of how old I get, however, there are some things I have sworn to never do in my life, no matter how bad it gets or how I bored I get. Note that I have no general negative opinion of people who choose to do and enjoy these things. I’m simply choosing not to.

  • Drugs. That means alcohol, marijuana, tobacco, and whatever else falls under that list that won’t be used for a medical reason. I’ve had enough alcohol and cigarettes in my life. Heck, I live with a smoker! When I finally have my own place, no smoking will be permitted at all. Absolutely zero!
  • Clubbing/Wild parties. I’d rather give myself a concussion than ever do either of these. I hate loud noise, I hate crowds, I hate flashiness, and I hate dancing. Plus, these events are notorious for having people who spike your drink. Any place where I have to worry about someone drugging me is out of the question. No exceptions.
  • Casual sex. This is if I ever have sex at all. But even if I were not an ace, I’d never have a sexual casual relationship, regardless of how much I trusted that person. Sex is not something I ever want to think of the way I think about what I’m having for dinner.
  • Anything I know is dangerous. I don’t care if you only live once. I’m not going to do something I know is guaranteed to get me killed if I go ahead with it. That means things like skydiving and such. I know safety is taken into consideration with stunts like that, but frankly, I’m not willing to risk my life for a thrill.
  • Try to keep up with the latest fads. While I like my electronics and whatnot, the truth is I couldn’t care less about keeping up with the newest device. If I genuinely wanted a new one, I might go for the latest, but if the one I currently have is working absolutely fine, I’m not going to run out and grab another just because it’s newer.
  • Buy new things just for the sake of having new stuff. This applies to clothing. While I will buy something here and there, I will never toss out my whole wardrobe and buy a new one because it’s old or out of style. Really, I’ve never cared for fashion trends. If the clothes still fit and aren’t torn, there’s no reason to throw them out.
  • Fight. I have been a pacifist since I was in my early teens. The only fighting I like is play-fighting, and even that, I tire of quickly.
  • Own a weapon. In regards to violence, the only thing I hate more than fighting are weapons. Particularly guns, but not only them. They’re also not going to be allowed in my house when I’m on my own (not that my relatives I live with have any). I don’t care how properly handled they are. If it’s something typically used for killing, get it away from me!