Hair Isn’t Static!

There is something my family doesn’t understand about hair: it moves.

On one hand, maybe that’s not surprising since I have the longest hair out of everyone I live with. On the other hand, I would think that’s common sense. If your hair has grown out far from your scalp, it’s not staying 100% still and perfect unless you wear a hat that fits over all of it.

Today, my uncle couldn’t believe the mere act of walking– that is, constantly and consistently moving my body forward – would make my bangs move out of place. Let’s see. If I sit down, my bangs move. If I stand up, they move. If I bend over, they move. If I stretch, they move. Gee, who could imagine if I walk, they move?

For people so obsessive about my hair, they sure are ignorant about how it works.

That doesn’t mean I don’t like to keep my hair neat. I do. But unless I’m going to stand, sit, or lie absolutely still for an entire day (hint: I’m not), it’s going to mess up. My family would have me fixing my hair every single minute of the day if they could. And let’s face it. It’s not a crisis. My uncle complained about me not caring it messes up. He’s right. I don’t care. I don’t care about something extremely trivial that happens if I so much as jerk my body in some way. If I had some kind of fancy event to attend, sure, I’d pay more attention to it, but I’m going from my house to school and back. Not something that calls for extra dressing up.

The ironic thing is I probably would care more about my hair if they stopped nagging me about it. I have never seen anyone outside of my family so obsessive about something of another person’s body, nor do I feel that way about anyone else’s body. I’ve seen people with hairstyles and hair colors I think are strange, but I keep it to myself because it’s none of my business, and that very much includes family. Unfortunately, I’m not paid that same respect.

Sometimes, I suspect my family is willfully ignorant. This is something I could explain to a child with ease, yet these adults who have lived several years longer than me claim not to understand. If hair could be perfectly static, besides by tying it up (and even then, it’s not 100% still), nobody would use hair products or have their hair styled.

I remember as a child, my mother would force me to have hair extensions. I hated my own hair for the longest time because of that. When I reached 16, I started experimenting with hair extensions on my own choice and after my high school graduation, I never got them again. Now, I don’t have anything against hair extensions or people who like them, but over the 2 1/2 years since I left high school, I went from hating my hair to liking it, to the point I can look in the mirror and think I’m happy this hair is mine. I hated my hair for most of my life, yet it only takes me around two years to begin liking it because I stopped filling it with extensions. My mother allowed me to hate myself for nearly two decades because she considered vanity and beauty essential instead of me having a positive self-image of myself. She cared about what everyone thought of me except me. The opinion of the person who owns the body wasn’t important. And the relatives I live with now are no different.

If I sound angry, it’s because I am. At the same time, I’m also relieved. No, I’m not happy to have experienced most of the past I have, but I am happy I, if nothing else, know this is how not to treat people. I fully admit I’m still a judgmental person, but I try hard to keep my negative judgments to myself. It’s not an easy thing to unlearn things that have been ingrained into your mind, but it’s worth trying if you really don’t want it anymore. Since I already know this isn’t a good way to treat people and make an effort not to, I suppose I’m doing good. Probably not the best at the moment, but good.

A look through my archives tells me I’ve spoken about this before, back in 2012. So, not much has changed, but I can name one certain thing that has. I like myself more and I care about my family’s judgments less. They have no care for how I feel and I have no care for how they do. Of course, getting back the treatment you give isn’t a concept they’d understand either.

Less Tolerance

Something I’ve noticed about myself lately is I don’t have as much tolerance as I used to.

By “tolerance”, I mean patience, not bigotry. Granted, I’ve never had much patience, but it seems the more time passes, I have even less. My 16-year-old self actually had a ton more patience and tolerance than my 21-year-old self does.

I have less tolerance for putting up with things and people that aggravate me. I either find a way to avoid the annoyance completely or simply get on with it so I can forget about it as quickly as possible. I still get into arguments every so often, but even those have become less frequent. I’d rather let someone think what they want than argue in circles with them.

I don’t know if my shortened patience comes from it being easier to ignore those things and people, or feeling like it’s simply not worth my time. Maybe it’s both. I will say it’s been very effective. It’s saved me quite a few headaches. Perhaps it’s one of those tings that develops naturally as you get older? I’ve heard the older you get, the more you learn not to mind what other people think. I suppose this is similar.

That doesn’t mean I ignore everyone I disagree with. It just means I don’t continue arguments that aren’t serving any purpose except causing me stress.  Really, all that’ll happen in the end is everyone will keep their opinions, so there’s not much point in the first place.

I wonder how long it’ll be before I reached the point of “I’m not having this discussion” and begin walking away before a heated discussion can even begin. I might have to start heavily evaluating myself that day.

I Hate Origin

Self-explanatory title.

A few days ago, EA released a patch for The Sims 3. Since Sims 3’s run ended two years, I was surprised they’d make something for the game and didn’t think much of downloading it. I now very much regret. The update tied Sims 3 to Origin, so the only way to play is to log in. One of the reasons I liked Sims 3 over Sims 4 was not needing to sign in.

To say I was angry would be an understatement. I despise Origin and this stunt made my hatred for EA multiply by numbers I didn’t even know existed. I couldn’t figure out how to go back to previous update, so in the end, I uninstalled all of my Sims 3 games and am now sticking solely with Sims 2.

I’m still finding it hard to believe the company that started my Sims addiction is the same one that murdered it. I guess the upside is I regained about 30 GB of space on my computer.

And yes, I’m well aware many companies are switching solely to digital downloads. However, I do not trust them. I don’t like the idea of paying for something and being unable to have it. Why did I pay for it then?!

If I lose or damage one of my game discs, I can replace it. Having to game tied to Origin means I don’t have any control over that. If EA decides to shut down Origin, everybody loses their games. Same thing if – heaven forbid – their website ends up becoming hacked (Target, anyone?). Basically, it’s up to their discretion whether any person can play it or not. Regardless of the fact that person paid for it, the company (EA in this example) doesn’t have to permit them to play the game. And considering EA has won the title for being the worst company twice in a row, I wouldn’t put it past them to do something of the sort.

I have no idea if there will be a Sims 5, but if there is, it seems I won’t be a part of it, even if the game is amazing in my opinion. I would delete my Origin/EA account entirely, but there’s no way to do so without contacting support (they say it’s for “security purposes”; yeah, right) and I don’t want to talk to any of Origin’s staff, period!

I hope everyone who’s having fun with the games continues to have fun and enjoys being tied to Origin. As much as I love and miss Sims 3, I don’t like being tied and I refuse to be a part of that nuisance. If that’s going to eventually mean I’ll never be able to play PC games again (or new ones anyway), so be it. Thankfully, there are other platforms and other games that I can pay for and actually possess.

Too Little Time

I didn’t write anything for the entire month of October. In contrast to why I usually don’t write, I had a fair amount to write about. I avoided it because I don’t want this blog to center around one thing. This blog is supposed to be about my life and my life does not revolve around any one aspect.

However, I want to keep this blog alive for as long as possible. I’ve also been thinking I shouldn’t be fearful of sharing what I want to share. Repetitiveness does get boring, but the idea behind this blog is it’s my thoughts and feelings at a certain point of time. They’re going to be the same for a while until something changes them. So, I will share them.

What I’m thinking of today is time. Right now, outside of my family, the person I spend the most time with is my boyfriend. Not because I’m choosing him over my friends, but because he has the most free time of them. With the seasons changing, nightfall is happening earlier and it’s getting harder to get together. Regardless of who visits who, it’s a 1 to 1 1/2 hour ride for one of us to get to each other, and that’s if there are no delays. That means we already have to cut at least two hours out of our time.

When we do get together, something happens. No matter how much time we have, whether it’s five hours or ten, it seems like time goes at twice its speed. It never feels long enough. I feel happy we had the time together, but sad I have to leave because I only want to stay. I know we’ll get together again soon and it’ll only be a few days between our next day together, but I never want the one we’re having to end.

If I were still 17 years old and reading this, I’d probably be rolling my eyes because it sounds ridiculously saccharine and dramatic. If someone told me at 17 I’d be doing the things I am in four years, I’d believe they lost their mind on the planet Mars. Nevertheless, it’s how I feel and it’s not a feeling I’m ashamed of having.

Yes, I know life isn’t a fairytale. I know romantic relationships do not solve all of life’s problems like they do in some stories. I never counted on that or had such an expectation. What I did count on was having another person in my life who would make me happy and who I could make happy in return. That’s what I got. There’s no day I’m unhappy he’s here.

I believe the best moments are when we both become drowsy and begin falling asleep. Sometimes, only of us falls asleep while the other is lying there. I love those moments because that’s when time feels like it’s standing still for once and I could lay next to him for an eternity. Of course, we can’t feel any emotion because we’re sleeping, but it’s waking up to silence and only the sight of him next to me that makes those moments so pleasantly surreal, even if we were only sleeping for a half hour.

I’ve heard and read this kind of thinking is a phase or meaningless because it’s only the first year of our relationship and/or we don’t live together. In fact, I was told that by someone who was no older than I was, although that person’s only intent was antagonizing me. I’m not sure about a phase, but I can’t say it’s meaningless. Nothing that and no one who makes you feel joy, love, and merely happy to be alive is meaningless.

Your Judgement Isn’t Important

Anger is swirling inside me right now.

I spent the whole day with my boyfriend. As always, I had a great time. However, we accidentally left his home a bit too late and, as a result, I had to take a much later train home than I intended. It was a genuine accident and we know we have to be more careful now.

So, why am I angry? Because when I sent a message to my uncle to let him know I’d be late, we got into a discussion about it and at one point, he said this to me: “He’s not important.”

“He” is referring to my boyfriend, of course. This isn’t the first time my uncle’s said that either and, frankly, I’m becoming less and less tolerant of these comments. I ignore them because my boyfriend doesn’t hear them, which is what I care about most, and they do not affect either of us personally. I don’t expect him to be considered important to anyone in my family. They don’t know him. But to say he’s not important at all? No!

Not only is he important to me, he is important as a person overall. Why? Let me break it up:

  • He was upset about being late and blamed himself for it. (Empathy)
  • He saw to it that I got on the train I needed and wouldn’t be any later than I already was. (Responsibility)
  • He told me to call him when I got home because he wanted to know I made it home safely. (Caring/Concern)
  • He apologized again after I called him. (Kindness)

There’s much more than that, but those are the ones relevant to this instance. You don’t have to be a big shot to be important. Everyone is important to at least two people: themselves and someone else. And I certainly hope he considers himself as important and valuable as I consider him.

I’ve told my boyfriend enough about my family for him to be able to make some scathing comments of his own, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t know them just like they don’t know him, yet he manages to be the bigger person in this matter. I love him for that, and I love him overall and the devil will have to rise before I let my family decide who I should deem important and unimportant. I could deem several of my uncle’s past relationships unimportant, but that wouldn’t make me any more mature than him, and they’re not mine to place a value on anyway. So, I don’t.

Getting in deeper, my boyfriend is one of the three people (the other two are my best friend, and high school clinician) who’s had – and still continues to have – a huge positive impact on me and my life. He’s important to my health, my well-being, and me as a person. He’s added a lot to me and my life I don’t want to ever have taken. He’s become another reason I’m happy I did not take my life years ago when I was heavily suicidal. I didn’t know him around the time and thinking that I so easily never could’ve saddens me. Heck, when I think about how it was pure luck I met him (I randomly decided to log into OKC after being fed up with it), I feel a bit stunned.

Yes, he is very important to me and I prioritize him. Sure, sometimes, other things come first because different things need attention at different times, but he and our relationship absolutely are a priority for me and unless the day comes when we decide to cut ties (which I hope will never happen), that’s how my priorities will always be. No amount of mean comments will make me regret that.