It’s Beginning To Look Depressing

I cannot get Sunny to say more to me than a single word to me lately. It looks like anything I may have had going with him is gone. I’m so tired of this, leading myself into believing things will be different and they’re not. I think I’m going to delete my account on OKC and keep it deleted. I have had enough of this. I’d rather be alone than continue this for what seems like forever.

I did make a friend from that site, and honestly, I think friendship is where I’m keeping all of my relationships now. Just having one person to speak to fairly often is enough. I don’t think I will ever see anything past that, and that’s fine. Accepting that is better than repeated disappointments.

In much happier news, that friend invited me to see Cinderella with him when it releases. I’m more interested in Frozen Fever, but hey, why not? It’ll get me away from home for a little while. I’m really thrilled for it! Anna and Elsa are such cuties! Only downside is the people who pair those two together romantically are already going nuts. I wouldn’t mind them so much if they weren’t so desperate to try to prove romance between the two is canon. It’s honestly disturbing to an extent, and it makes me wonder what kind of familial relationships they have.

I’ve been pretty busy with my Tumblr blogs lately as well. I moved my simming blog to make it a primary account, and moved three of my side blogs to be sides on my art account. Now, my main account is a little less cluttered. It’ll take a few weeks before all my posts are transferred from my old simming blog, but that’ll let the new one remain active for a good amount of time.

I hope I can get some kind of clear message from Sunny soon. I’m trying to patient, but that’s not something I’m good at, and he is telling me nothing. I have no idea if he’s grown tired of me, if he’s extremely busy (though I doubt it), or if something else has occurred. Part of me is worried, and part of is frustrated.

Maturity? Not In This House!

Sometimes, it feels like no one in this house ever left high school. My relatives love to gossip about and judge other people either on the phone or behind their backs. You’d expect such behavior from someone my age, not three men in middle and late adulthood. Yet it almost seems like a competition in this household.

I know everyone makes snap judgments from time to time – I’m no exception – but gossiping and shots get tiresome after a while, and it makes wish some people knew the expression “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Of course, everyone does something worthy of criticism every now and then, but that’s not what the problem is in this house. It’s mean-spiritedness and nothing more.

Ironically, my family then wonders why I prefer not to tell them anything instead of opening up to them. Why should I? Nobody wants to talk to someone who they know has a habit of talking about others behind their backs. You can’t throw judgments left and right, yet wonder why no one confided in or trusts you. And, of course, the hypocrisy is when someone does the same behavior to them, they get upset.

I guess all things considered, it’s really a part of human nature, but it’s no less annoying.

Where I Stand

I didn’t really enjoy 2014 and I don’t think 2015 will be much different. However, it seems I’m on good standing for the time-being. My only concern is finding a job. Really, at this rate, I’m looking for multiple jobs, but I’ve got to start with one.

I have a relationship that seems to be slowly and steadily progressing. Sunny does want to see me, and the silly arguments have become less frequent and replaced by “lovey-dovey” silliness. Hopefully, we’ll meet each other during one of the remaining 360 days. He hasn’t said much more about the illness he has, so I assume he’s alright for the present. That’s my biggest hope for this year. He survives that illness.

I’ve started an art blog (linked under my list of Tumblr ones). I’ve settled on becoming a freelance animator and web designer. I still have no clue how to start, but I figured an art blog is a good first step. Of course, I have to improve my art and that’s what that blog is for. I have a lot of work to do. I’ve started with at least one drawing a week so far. Some by hand and some by computer. I know how to create animation. After I improve my art, I have to learn how to make good animation. And I do plan to attend college for those careers eventually, but not for a few more years. I’m going to work first. It’s a slow start, but it’s still a start.

I’m also keeping myself busy with games and writing. I know it’s not really work, but I can’t just lay around because I’m out of school. I’m writing chapters for my Sims games and OC groups, and playing through the newest Pokémon games, Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. I also have certain characters and outfits I need to draw for more than one of my series. I’m not really worrying about getting a driver’s license since the only car we have can’t legally be driven (no insurance).

I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew because that’s what usually causes me to fail, but I’ve said I want to learn more languages and I think I may start using DuoLingo to do that. Perhaps not now, but when I get more of this stuff done. And I will finally finish up the Sailor Moon 90s anime. It’s really ridiculous I haven’t finished it yet.

I’m also going to delete the Pokémon Platinum wedlocke I was doing. That’s simply not something I’m going to get done, so there’s no point in leaving it there. I don’t like to be on camera anyway.

A Bad End

I haven’t posted much, obviously. That’s due to a combination of not knowing what to post about and being depressed lately. 2014 ends in two weeks. I’m very glad because this year has sucked.

  • I dropped out of school because I couldn’t handle the stress or keep up with the work.
  • I had a one-month relationship. One freaking month.
  • I’m horrible with this dating thing. I’ve learned that well.
  • I gave oral sex to a guy and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. That’s the last time I let my curiosity get the better of me.
  • Sunny is ill, possibly fatally ill. He’s alright for the time being, but there’s no telling how long that will last.
  • I am still unemployed and it’s becoming harder and harder not to get discouraged.
  • I had to leave a forum I was a part of and enjoyed because I made one very stupid slip-up.
  • I was dumped for having anxiety.
  • Just all around feeling awful and regretting a lot of things.

If Sunny dies, I’m not looking for anyone else because I’ve had it. I know one year is very soon to be giving up, but I cannot do this over and over. I admire the people who can, but I can’t. I cannot go through five, ten, twenty, or however many years of breakups and disappointment until I find a relationship that lasts. I’d rather get pets and be happy like that.

The only good things that came out of this year are some movies I got see, a new obsession, my iPad, and time spent with my best friend.

An Angel I See

This past Saturday, my eight-year-old cousin came to visit. I don’t see her often, but I love spending time with her. She’s a sweet, typical kid. Loves cartoons, loves to play games, loves being silly, and she’s fairly quiet, though she seems to be growing out of that. She was quieter when she was younger than she is now. The first time she ever came to visit (I think she was five), the only sound she made was when she cried about simply walking to the back room alone. Now, she has no problem with our house and will respond without trouble if you talk to her.

In my eyes, my cousin is an ideal child. Well-behaved, patient, able to sit quietly and occupy herself, polite. Out of all the times I’ve been with her, she threw a tantrum one time. And she had reason because she was tired and had been abruptly woken up. I couldn’t blame her. Nobody likes being woken up, especially not in such a rush.

Every now and then, I think if it were guaranteed my first child would be like my cousin, I’d consider being a parent. However, experiences like the above knock me back down the Earth. I don’t doubt my cousin is well-behaved most of the time, but in truth, I can only make that judgment based on the small amount of time I spend with her and what my aunt (her grandmother) tells me. At most, I only spend a few hours with my cousin when one of us visits the other. I see the sweet, playful side of her because, unless she ever feels like throwing fits for a day, there’s no reason for her to behave any differently in the few hours I’m with her.

Even if I spent a full 24 hours with her, I may not see much difference in her behavior. She would have people to pay attention to her, she knows she is wanted and loved, she has plenty of things to play with, and she has more than enough to eat if she’s hungry. The only way I’d see anything different from what I know of her is if someone or something agitated her, which, from what I hear, is rare.

It’s unrealistic to expect anyone to be proper 100% of the time, let alone a child who still has a lot of growing and learning to do. Most kids stop throwing tantrums around my cousin’s age, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they know how to deal with unpleasant feelings. If I spent a week with my cousin, chances are I’d see fits, some stubbornness, and some sadness or even anger. No matter angelic I see her as, the fact remains she is human, not a flat character in a TV show. Spending 24/7 with her is much different than a few hours, especially if she spends that time occupying herself and not needing or wanting someone’s attention.

When I was a child, I often got upset at myself for not being perfect. I actually thought something was wrong with me (being asked by an adult what’s wrong with me didn’t help either) because I couldn’t perfect like everyone else seemed to, or I couldn’t be good like I was the previous day. When I was old enough to seriously think about parenting, I envisioned my child always being happy and loving because they’d have no reason to ever be upset. I hadn’t yet learned that nobody is perfect and it’s okay because perfection does not exist. Children are going to act out from time to time, no matter how well their parents are raising them, because people make mistakes. I wish someone had to told me as a child, “It’s alright you feel this way. You just can’t [whatever I did that was inappropriate].” Honestly, even as an adult, I don’t see the point in punishing a kid because they’re unhappy.

My little cousin reminds me of childhood and what it was like to be so young, innocent, and joyful. And while I know it can’t last forever, I do hope, unlike me, she is able to grow and mature at her own pace instead of having to be hurried into it.