Paranoia

Emmi and I had an argument recently. It’s the second argument we’ve had, but it was over the same topic: sex. I must admit it wasn’t as bad as the first argument. We made up more quickly this time, and it got amusing at one point. Maybe he wasn’t laughing, but I was. Specifically, it was when we resorted to name-calling that made me laugh. Funny how we can both be childish as hell, but neither of us will admit it.

However, unlike the last argument, he was justified with this one. Not in everything he said (Emmi can be damn cold-hearted when he’s angry), but what he was mad over itself, yes. Long story short, he was angry about me for stretching his patience and not having done anything sexual with him. Emmi is someone who needs sex while I couldn’t care less about it, despite that I’m willing to give it to him. Emmi also knows I am an overly paranoid person, though I don’t know how arguing with me is going to fix that. Granted, it’s fun to watch him turn into a big baby over not getting what he wants, but get over it.

Here’s what Emmi doesn’t know. I have reason to be as paranoid as I am. I’ve told Emmi enough for him to know that I have a long list of problems. He knows (or should know by now) that I am screwed up. I’ve been betrayed by the people who I should’ve been able to count when I was growing up, and I’ve been let down numerous times by people who I was sure I could count on. The list of people who have stabbed me in the back is probably at least twice Emmi’s age. On top of that, my family, though they’re hypocrites for it, taught me to be fearful of everything and everyone I don’t know, and that’s not a mindset I can get over in a snap. I trust Emmi to an extent. If I could do a scale, I’d say Emmi is past my family, but not even close to my best friend.

Emmi also seems to think I like being as paranoid and anxious as I am, but the truth is I don’t. I hate it. I hate it with a passion and wish I could just get rid of as if I were throwing away a worn-out pair of socks. Honestly, I feel bad for making Emmi put up with me and I have to wonder why he hasn’t given up and found someone with less problems than I have or none at all. His town’s population is likely around the same as mine. He’s got options. I don’t mean to sound like I’m trying to make him give up because I certainly am not, but when all is said and done, Emmi really doesn’t deserve to have to deal with me. I just wish he would stop taking my issues so personally.

I don’t even think this is strictly a “sexual versus asexual” problem because, as I said, I’m willing to give it to him. I think the problem is two people with a polar opposite need who are both ridiculously hard-headed. At our worst, neither of us will hear what the other has to say and nothing will work if we don’t get that solved.

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3 thoughts on “Paranoia

  1. He’s not justified in being mad at you for not doing anything sexual with him. Nobody “owes” anyone sex, no matter the situation. Emmi is not entitled to that from you and to blame you for your own paranoia is way out of line.

    “Honestly, I feel bad for making Emmi put up with me”

    I see it the other way around. I don’t know your whole situation, but you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

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    • I actually meant he was justified in getting impatient and fed up with waiting, but I suppose it’s sort of the same.

      I know I don’t owe him any sexual favors and I really could easily walk away from him. I’m more upset at how he takes my rejection so personally and believes I don’t trust him. My anxiety and paranoia is about me and my past, not him at all, but he almost seems offended.

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      • I don’t have the same issues, but I always take it as a serious warning sign if people expect me to trust them a lot sooner than I’m willing to. Trust is something earned — he sounds like he needs to do more to earning.

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