Too Little Time

I didn’t write anything for the entire month of October. In contrast to why I usually don’t write, I had a fair amount to write about. I avoided it because I don’t want this blog to center around one thing. This blog is supposed to be about my life and my life does not revolve around any one aspect.

However, I want to keep this blog alive for as long as possible. I’ve also been thinking I shouldn’t be fearful of sharing what I want to share. Repetitiveness does get boring, but the idea behind this blog is it’s my thoughts and feelings at a certain point of time. They’re going to be the same for a while until something changes them. So, I will share them.

What I’m thinking of today is time. Right now, outside of my family, the person I spend the most time with is my boyfriend. Not because I’m choosing him over my friends, but because he has the most free time of them. With the seasons changing, nightfall is happening earlier and it’s getting harder to get together. Regardless of who visits who, it’s a 1 to 1 1/2 hour ride for one of us to get to each other, and that’s if there are no delays. That means we already have to cut at least two hours out of our time.

When we do get together, something happens. No matter how much time we have, whether it’s five hours or ten, it seems like time goes at twice its speed. It never feels long enough. I feel happy we had the time together, but sad I have to leave because I only want to stay. I know we’ll get together again soon and it’ll only be a few days between our next day together, but I never want the one we’re having to end.

If I were still 17 years old and reading this, I’d probably be rolling my eyes because it sounds ridiculously saccharine and dramatic. If someone told me at 17 I’d be doing the things I am in four years, I’d believe they lost their mind on the planet Mars. Nevertheless, it’s how I feel and it’s not a feeling I’m ashamed of having.

Yes, I know life isn’t a fairytale. I know romantic relationships do not solve all of life’s problems like they do in some stories. I never counted on that or had such an expectation. What I did count on was having another person in my life who would make me happy and who I could make happy in return. That’s what I got. There’s no day I’m unhappy he’s here.

I believe the best moments are when we both become drowsy and begin falling asleep. Sometimes, only one of us falls asleep while the other is lying there. I love those moments because that’s when time feels like it’s standing still for once and I could lay next to him for an eternity. Of course, we can’t feel any emotion because we’re sleeping, but it’s waking up to silence and only the sight of him next to me that makes those moments so pleasantly surreal, even if we were only sleeping for a half hour.

I’ve heard and read this kind of thinking is a phase or meaningless because it’s only the first year of our relationship and/or we don’t live together. In fact, I was told that by someone who was no older than I was, although that person’s only intent was antagonizing me. I’m not sure about a phase, but I can’t say it’s meaningless. Nothing that and no one who makes you feel joy, love, and merely happy to be alive is meaningless.

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