I’m not talking about the career path. I mean being judgmental in general.
Nearly two years ago, I wrote out a post on things I’ll never do in my life. At the top of the list was drugs and for good reason. Even without knowing just how bad drugs like tobacco and alcohol are, having people in my family who do them tells me enough. However, lately, I feel like I’ve started understanding just why people turn to drugs.
I’m stressed out and that’s a way I’ve been feeling often, as of late. For the most part, I manage to handle it, but every now and then, there’s a day where my thoughts turn to drinking. Not only having one drink either. These thoughts are usually binging on alcohol until I pass out and there have been times where the only thing that stops me from doing it is not wanting to deal with a hangover later on. To compensate, I binge on soda when I’m very stressed out, which isn’t healthy either, but won’t get me drunk. Unfortunately, soda doesn’t always work.
If that’s how I feel within a day, it’s not so hard for me to see what leads other people down that path. Before I go any further, let me stress I am not condoning alcoholism or other drug addictions. They’re still terrible. I’m only explaining I’m beginning to understand why people turn to drugs to cope. If you told me I could have something that’d block out my senses, and make me forget every single thing that’s plaguing my mind right now, and the only side effect was falling unconscious some time later, I would take it. I just don’t want to risk addiction, so I don’t do it because I know if I start using those as a way of handling stress, I won’t stop.
My problems are far from the worst there could be. If I’m having thoughts of drinking myself into unconsciousness from the stress I’m feeling, how must some people who have it worse than me feel? I’m not surprised someone would decide they’d rather put up with the bad effects later on to feel good now for a while. What about the people who feel like they have nothing else to lose? Truthfully, that’s one of my reasons sometimes. I feel like I’m at the bottom as it is and I can’t get any lower, so what’s the worst that could happen if I got drunk for a day or night? I know what’s the worst, but on my worst days, I feel like the risk would be worth it.
I’m aware addiction hurts more than the person with it and that’s another reason I try my hardest not to give in to the thoughts of binge drinking I have. Despite how much they’ve hurt me, I don’t want to hurt my family. I especially don’t want to hurt my best friend and boyfriend, who have never hurt me. I don’t want to lose being able to see my clinician, who’s become somewhat more of my friend now since I’m out of high school, and going to the events she hosts and as open-minded as she is, I’m certain she wouldn’t want someone with a drug addiction around her family, especially her niece and niece’s friends. I don’t want to lose me.
In short, I’m trying to stop a bad habit before it starts. Yes, I know there’s such a thing as moderation, but that’s not something I feel I can trust myself to maintain.
While that resolve of never using drugs hasn’t changed, my perspective of people with those addictions certainly has. I have no room to judge someone about binging on alcohol when I’m having thoughts of doing the same. If nothing else, the stress I’m dealing with and the thoughts I’m having are teaching me two things: 1) I’m not above anything and 2) this is why it’s critically important to never judge someone. People are different and you have no idea.