The Burden of Being Responsible

I am going to say right now this post is essentially one long whining rant. Maybe satirical, but whining because I’m in a foul mood. If that won’t amuse you, please skip.

I hate being responsible.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I like being responsible. Good things and less worry come from being responsible. But so does frustration that you can’t just let loose.

My job, unfortunately, had to cut some people’s shifts and one of mine made the list. Of course, a cut shift is better than being laid off, but I had few hours as it was, so it was hard not to be disappointed. This means, at minimum, my next two paychecks will not cover what I need, nor did the one I have this week cover all I needed to pay. The bright side I have the expenses that matter most paid, but I don’t like owing anybody anything. As a result, I’ve had to push back some payments to a later date when I can pay them.

Yes, I’m aware this is part of everybody’s life. It actually makes me happy I’m not in school right now. When I was in school, I had to pay $228 a month. I would not be able to cover that this month. Of course, it worries me this may happen when I am in school after next month and that’s not exactly an amount I want to charge on one of my credit cards.

This is when I hate being responsible. A responsible person does exactly that: covers what she can, pushes back what she can while still intending to pay as soon as possible, and avoids anything unnecessary with the small amount of money she has to hold her over until she gets paid again. I don’t mean to sound like I’m tooting my own horn. I am not trying to hold myself up as some kind of saint. Again, this is part of life. This is what you’re supposed to do. But I hate it!

I hate it so much. If I were an irresponsible person, I would feel so much better off. I would not feel this frustration. I would not feel this stress of being unable to cover what I need to at the moment. I would not be worrying about school in the future. I’d just be… happy.

If I were an irresponsible person, I could:

  • Take all of my remaining available credit ($2,000 across three cards, one being strictly for medical expenses) and blow it on a therapeutic session of shopping. Yes, I am one of those people who is a shopaholic. Working in retail can do that to you, ironically.
  • Not mind how much of my own money I have left, or bother calculating it and how much I can use to cover what I need to pay.
  • Blow out my savings. Actually, I did this once, though I didn’t blow out the whole account. Just bought a console and two games out of anger to make me feel better about being forced out of school. No, I don’t know what I was thinking either. Please don’t ask.
  • Exhaust all of remaining credit and money, and complain when I have nothing left. I’m complaining now, yes, but I’m complaining about money being tight through no fault of my own, not having no money left because I was a fool with my finances.
  • Borrow money from other people, even if I knew I couldn’t pay it back
  • Just not worry about anything except having a good time

I’m not sure how tongue-in-cheek the above really is. I feel half-serious about it. I do envy people who are carefree, don’t worry about the above, and can be happy because they do whatever without worry or fear of the consequences. I can’t do it and, right now, I very much hate myself for it. This is probably one of the few times I can say I would gladly reverse fifteen years of my life for the privilege to act irresponsibly. At least, everyone would think it’s cute and kids aren’t supposed to have responsibilities. Then again, if that were to happen, I’d want to smack myself for that because, as I’ve probably said more times than I can remember on this blog, I hated my childhood. Double-screwed.

Hopefully, May will be a better month for my job. On a different note, my birthday is in seven days. Let’s just say for once, I couldn’t care less. I have other things to worry about. Obviously.

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