Your Friends Lost You

Lately, I’ve seen a somewhat popular post from Whisper going around. I won’t post the image, but the quote is: “When I say I won’t tell anyone, my husband doesn’t count.”

I’ve always been neutral about marriage. This is one of those things that pushes me toward the more negative side of it.

My boyfriend and I are not married yet, but he does want to marry me and I’ve already agreed, so we will marry someday. However, if I ever catch myself thinking “Well, I’m getting married, so soon, my friends won’t matter anymore”, that’s when I call off the wedding. This works the other way around too. If I ever found out he was being distrustful to his friends because of me, I’d call it quits. I am not going to be someone’s reason for being a jerk.

I used to read often that newlywed couples, particularly the wives, tended to lose their friends when they got married. However, if that quote gives any suggestion to married life, it’s no wonder why. They didn’t lose their friends. They decided their friends no longer mattered and chose to permanently put them aside. Perhaps people have different ideas of what “friendship” means, but for me, if I cannot trust you, we cannot be friends.

I love my boyfriend and I am content with the idea of someday being his wife. But I also love my best friend. She is like a sister to me, and she was in my life four years before he was. She is not going on the back burner. Yes, I talk to my boyfriend about my best friend, and vice versa, and I’m hoping I’ll eventually have a chance to introduce them to each other since they are the two most important people in my life. But if she ever comes to me and says, “Please don’t tell anyone this”, he will not know. If I ever do reveal something she wanted me to keep secret, I’ll apologize.

That’s what real friends do.

Continuing to respect my friends does not make me a bad girlfriend, nor will it make me a bad wife. On the contrary, letting him be the reason I stop doing so is what would make me a bad partner.

I’m Not Leaving

The last time I made a post like this, it was in December 2013, and I’m not linking it because all but one of those things are completely and wholly untrue now.

Recently, I started thinking about Disney’s upcoming, new Disney Princess, Moana. I plan to see it in theaters with my boyfriend and it will be the very first Disney Princess movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. What crossed my mind was if I’d acted on any of suicidal thoughts I’ve had in the past, that wish wouldn’t be becoming reality.

In truth, I have those thoughts more often than I feel comfortable admitting. I suppose it’s not really bad, but aside from my boyfriend and my best friend, the things I list are usually small. Video game series, television ones, art and stories I’ve created, even this blog. I’m happy to know these things. While I still hold the belief I’d prevent my existence if I could go back in time to do so, since I’m already here, I don’t want to leave.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with my self-worth and value as a member of society. I very much do, as I’m sure I’ve made evident. Even as I type this, those thoughts of if I’ll ever be more of a contributor than a tax burden are going through my head. Every so often, those thoughts do take over and become very powerful, but the upside is it usually passes within about two days. A very mentally painful two days, but two days nonetheless. It’s not enough to make me wish I wasn’t an adult or make me miss my childhood.

This past weekend, I was with my boyfriend and I realized I frequently call his house “home” when we’re together (“Are we going home after this?” “Who’s home?”). In the latter example, it might make sense because I’m asking who’s at his home, but the former example is obviously including myself. He’s fine with it, but that was the first time I caught myself doing that. I do feel at home with him, not only in his house, but in the state and city he lives. Not so much I’d dare venture around it alone, but enough to have no anxiety about ever going out there. If it were possible and I knew for sure I wouldn’t become homesick for the city I live in, I’d stay there for a week if he and his family allowed it.

I don’t have everything I want in life, but I’m happy because I do have what I wanted more than anything as a kid. I wanted to be surrounded by people who love and care about me. The “surrounded” part doesn’t exist in a physical sense, but I feel it’s there. I never cared if it was a huge team of people. Him and my best friend really are enough (although that doesn’t mean I’d be closed to more). I wanted to go on trips like I did as a kid. I go out of town, out of state, to visit him and it’s a lot more fun than the same museum five times in a row. I wanted another place to call home. I found it.

I’ll keep trying, particularly since I can’t do much else, but I’m not completely unhappy with where I’m at now. I understand things do happen slowly. It certainly took a lot of friends to find my best friend, and a lot of bad dates and relationships to reach my boyfriend. It only makes sense it’ll take a lot of missed jobs to finally find one. I still did score an interview, so that’s something. At least, I know I’m worth being considered.

I’m not happy to be alive, meaning I’d still have preferred not existing to begin with, but I am happy to have things and people in my life that make it not so bad.

Lying Versus Lying

Not all of my family members know I have a boyfriend, and the few who do have never met him. The reason for this much of my family is racist and I don’t feel my boyfriend deserves that. This means more often than not, I’m not honest with them about where I may be going with him or what I’m doing. In short, I lie. Yes, I know lying is wrong and I’d never claim it’s not. However, while I’ll admit my own lying is as wrong as others, it seems some people disagree.

What prompted this post is I had a certain relative told me if I have to lie to do something, I shouldn’t do it. The problem here is this same relative also regularly lies and has been doing it for years on end to keep multiple relationships hidden, not from family, but from the people he has those relationships with. When I brought that up on one occasion, his argument was that’s a different matter. I’m not claiming to be any less wrong than him, but I fail to see how lying to double-cross people is better than lying to see your partner and keep them away from your family.

In fact, to one of my family members, my boyfriend’s race does not exist. To him, there are white (Caucasian) people and black (African-American) people. That’s it. No other race exists to him. He refuses to acknowledge there are many more than two races in existence. I do not feel guilty about keeping my boyfriend away from him, even if it is through lying. While I’m on the subject, this same family member is also guilty of lying for the purpose of starting family drama and getting other family members angry with each other.

I’ve had some people tell me I should be honest anyway and my family would come around, but I know this is not true. My best friend shares the same race my boyfriend does, my family has known her for five years at this point, and they continue to be hateful and distrustful of any person of that race. I’ve had to stop them from making racist comments within earshot of her because they believe being in the next room means she can’t hear them. If meeting my best friend multiple times in five years isn’t enough for them to come around, why would meeting my boyfriend be any different?

Another reason I know this is purely about race is when I was with an ex who is the same race, my family had absolutely no objections whatsoever. None. There was no care for where I was going or what I was doing with this person. Only the time I’d return would be in question and that’s merely because my family knows it’s unlike me to stay out after night falls. They never met him because that relationship was short-lived, but I told them everything and got no arguments. Yet the second I mentioned my boyfriend’s race to answer where he’s from when they asked, suddenly, there were a thousand terrible things about him. They didn’t even know his name.

Sometimes, I’m not sure if I will ever tell my family the truth. They may not ever meet my boyfriend and while that does make me sad, it’s a possibility I’m okay with. Maybe it’s the behavior of a teenager, but I’d rather keep our relationship hidden than let him be exposed to that. I’ve told my boyfriend about their racist beliefs, so he knows why I refuse to let him meet them and he’s unsurprisingly fine with it.

When I think about this and read all of this post over, I feel like I’m justifying my own lying, which is the same as what the relatives I mentioned above do. Perhaps I am justifying it and excusing myself. I can’t say I don’t feel like it’s justified, if only because I’m not trying to cheat on my partner or start family problems where there are none. Yet, aside from the one time I tried to explain the hypocrisy, I keep my mouth shut because I still don’t feel I’m right in calling them out on their lying when I also lie.

Not All The Fandom

No, that is not a play on a certain series of Twitter tags.

Back in March, I wrote a furious rant about something that happened to me from someone within Winx Club’s fandom. I’m still angry about that, mainly because I never received so much as an apology for it, although I never expected to. She lied. She spread false rumors. Why would she apologize when she, and some of the fandom, think that’s right? Not to mention, she prided herself on never sending hate to people. The idea of hatemail being frowned upon while lying and false accusations are okay is not an idea I’m interested in understanding.

However, I made sure to mention I had no hate for the few friends I have within the fandom and lately, I’ve been talking to those friends. I entrusted one of them in particular with that incident and wouldn’t you know? She agreed lying about me was “petty and immature” (to use her words). It turned out we also do hold similar opinions about the show. She chooses not to be so vocal about her complaints because she feels there’s no point in complaining. I can’t say she’s wrong, but when has that ever stopped most people from complaining?

In fact, her frustration is not with the complaints about the show, but the frequency of the same complaints. I never hung around as much social media for Winx as she does, but from what she tells me, she sees a certain complaint over and over and over again. She genuinely does understand why the fans who make that complaint feel the way they do, but seeing it so many is what bothers her. I agree with the complaint, but I can’t say she’s wrong. It’s like feeling sympathy for someone going through a rough time. The first time they vent to you, you’re all ears because you’re a good friend and care about them. But after the tenth time of the exact same complaining, you’re exhausted, not because you don’t care about them anymore, but because they’re not saying anything new.

It’s remembering there are people like her in the fandom – fans who may be irritated, but can still maintain respect and not be angry somebody doesn’t think like them – that makes me feel a little guilty for leaving the fandom solely because of that incident back in March. I feel like I blamed the entire fandom when it was only one person who lied and made those false accusations about me. That’s not right. I truly don’t doubt that person’s followers believe she was right for her lies, but I’m almost certain my friend above also follows that blog, yet she didn’t think lying was right. I can’t hold her or my other friends responsible for what someone else did. I can’t hold the people who think that person was right responsible either. Yes, they excused it, but they still didn’t do it.

I still have no plans to rejoin the Winx fandom, but I do ask about it every so often. It seems it’s quiet for the time-being because they’re waiting for the new spin-off. I personally have no expectations, but I hope it’s everything they’re wishing for.

The one lesson I can say I’ve heard from all this? Taking into consideration my experience with fandoms in general so far, it’d have to be: There are good and bad shows, but there is no such thing as a good fandom. Good fandoms don’t exist.”

I know I’m generalizing, but that’s what I’ve come to believe. The Winx fandom was the worst experience because of that incident back in March, but it certainly wasn’t the only bad experience with a fandom at all.

Late Into the Month

This month is five days from being over, and this is my first post for it. I wish I had more interesting things to post about, but I don’t. Only updates, more or less.

I purchased Cities: Skylines, and have been playing it a lot since I bought it. It took six attempts, but I finally got a city I’m doing well with. I only wish I could fix the traffic jams. Apparently, my citizens do not understand the purpose of bridges.

I also bought an adorable Snow Glow Elsa doll! Only problem is she doesn’t have a volume control and she’s somewhat loud. But I just play with her when I’m alone so her volume doesn’t bother anyone else.

And she came with a cute little Olaf too!

Life hasn’t changed much for me. Still looking for a job, still trying to fill my time, still trying to get Sunny to have a conversation with me that’s longer than two minutes. At the minute, I’ve said nothing to him since Saturday. I usually send messages somewhat frequently for him, but I want to see if it matters and how long it’ll take before he sends me something. I know testing someone is wrong, but I don’t have any other ideas.

In the meantime, I’ve been talking a lot to my other friend I met on OKC. We met up to go see Cinderella. It was a good movie, though not much different than the other remakes. I didn’t really expect it to be. I loved Frozen Fever! I have the song on my phone, but I want to see the short again so badly! I hope they put it on iTunes! Elsa’s such a cute queen, and Anna was a sweetie, trying to make her feel better about being sick on her birthday. I still kind of wish Elsa would’ve pulled off her dress when she was swinging around the clock tower pole, but that wouldn’t be very kid-friendly. Hopefully, someone makes fan art of it.

I want to save up money to go out to Red Lobster on my birthday. No alcohol! Instead, I will have a new book and shrimp.

Meet At Six Flags, Maybe?

Next week, I’m going to Fright Fest at Six Flags. I’ll most likely be babysitting a six-year-old and some of her friends, but that’s no problem.

I told Sunny about the upcoming and wouldn’t you know? It looks like the darn stars and planets aligned because by the mother of all coincidences, he’s going to Six Flags on the same date. If we manage to find each other, it’ll be the first time we finally meet in person.

I have to admit I’m rather ecstatic about the idea. If I have the kids with me, of course, that’ll create a problem, but I’ll have a chance to return them during lunch or so and I can meet up with Sunny then. I’m secretly hoping I can spend half the day with the kids and the other half with him.

The trip is only nine days away, but now, it almost feels like an eternity. I really can’t wait! 😀

Deserves The Best

I’m not the only one with college troubles. My best friend struggled with school and, despite trying her hardest, couldn’t keep her grades satisfactory. In actuality, it’s not entirely her fault. They’re her grades, yes, but the school screwed her over more than once. I helped her write an appeal and we’re both hoping it gets approve, so she can continue attending.

I was so angry when she told me she might lose her aid and be forced to withdraw. Not only because the school screwed her over, but because she works harder than anyone I know in my personal life. I don’t want to be there, so I couldn’t care less what they do to me, but she deserves to have her dreams more than anyone because she works the hardest. Whatever help I am able to give to her, I will.

If, heaven forbid, her letter isn’t approved, she will be heartbroken and I will lose my mind.