Ending One Chapter Starts Another

I know I’m probably going to eat my words somewhere down the line, but this year is already starting off well. And that means something since it didn’t particularly end well.

My job as a cashier is a seasonal position, so after a certain date, I was supposed to be let go. Key word: was.

I learned today it’s planned for me to stay on the team after the seasonal period ends, although it’s probably news I wasn’t supposed to learn this early. When I was working today, I confided in the supervisor on duty it was a concern on my mind, but I didn’t want to come across as a nag for daring to ask the manager in charge of it. She told me to ask anyway since we’re allowed (my workplace has an “open-door policy”, which means you can speak to any manager or supervisor you want at any time if you need something) and since I was already at work, I swallowed my fear and asked when I went on break. The answer was yes. When I returned from break, I very happily (but quietly) thanked the supervisor for encouraging me to do that. She was happy for me.

I work my first job and I didn’t fail at it! I still marvel at being able to hold down a job, so to learn I’m keeping it blew me right out of the water!

The other goodness for 2017 is, although it was unneeded, I got a reminder of just how strong a certain person’s love is for me. The circumstances that revealed it weren’t so pleasant and I have enough humility to admit those circumstances were my fault. No, I’m not asking for a cookie. The end of the matter of was when he became hysterical over me and sobbed for about five to ten minutes. Few things have crushed me with so much guilt as when I realized I caused that. To top it off, he called himself pathetic for crying and pushed me away when I tried to comfort him (after asking for me to do it just two minutes ago), insisting he didn’t deserve it. Let me make that clear: I hurt him, but he was crying over me. He was hysterical over the person who hurt him because he believed it was the other way around and he’d hurt me.

Before that happened, he’d been prepared to wait all day for me because he didn’t yet know I’d already left home. Now, I’ll admit that sounds stalker-ish on the surface, but these plans were arranged and agreed to, and he didn’t have reason to believe they changed.

I’m fortunate to have someone who loves me so much, he deems me worth having an emotional breakdown over, and right after I hadn’t been so kind to him. I deserved that guilt and, really, so much more than that. He once said I spoil him because I often pay for much of our outings since I have a job. He’s wrong. He spoils me with so much love and patience like that. I genuinely love him and I don’t plan on putting him to a test, especially when I know all too well the misfortune of not having people who love you or have your best interests at heart.

I already know the happiness won’t last and there are some difficult times coming up. In fact, there’s one I’ve been aware of for a very long time. But I’ll have to face it when it comes and knowing I have the above, I’m not afraid of it anymore because it’s not a problem I created. For now, however, I’ll simply enjoy the joy ride.

Love Doesn’t Hurt

Originally, I wasn’t going to write this because I feel like I share too much at times. However, I wanted to write something, and it was either this or a post about how two-faced people get away with everything. Frankly, I’ve had enough of the world’s mean-spiritedness for one day, so I chose this instead.

Today is mine and my boyfriend’s anniversary! We have been a couple for a full year and known each other for 18 months in total.

There’s a somewhat odd feeling with it.  I knew the day would come, yet I’m still surprised it arrived. I didn’t at all feel like we would break up, yet I’m shocked we’ve been together this long, despite that a year, all things considered, isn’t a long time. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s still that “honeymoon phase”, where a new couple is in love and fawning over each other constantly because they’ve only been together a short time. Neither of us have ever been blind to other people or aspects of our lives, however, so I doubt it.

Yes, I think I’m making it obvious I’m still really inexperienced when it comes to relationships. Or rather, when it comes to good relationships.

I feel like I have a weird way of being in love. I don’t swoon, my heart doesn’t race, and my palms don’t sweat. Instead, it’s when I think about losing this person. I’ve experienced heartbreak once and it hurt very much for a week. It wasn’t the most painful thing I’d felt, but it certainly isn’t something I’d want a repeat of. However, I never experienced it again, even when I cut ties with men I developed feelings for. I can only assume my heart locked itself up, although it doesn’t feel that way. I can’t say I’m curious enough to want to find out.

Similar to my best friend, my boyfriend has become a big part of my life and happiness, and he’s one of the few healthy parts of it. With the kind of family I grew up in, that’s a very good thing. He’s not a therapist. He’s not fixing me. Without trying, he’s shown me over time something I wish had been told to me as a child: love is not supposed to be painful! I can imagine my life without him, but I don’t want to. I question myself a lot, but I believe the day I became certain I loved him was when I did picture losing him and felt pain. The image of him being absent from my life hurts.

I’m willing to bet there is someone several years older than me who’s reading this and rolling their eyes, thinking to themselves, “This silly 22-year-old thinks she knows what love is”. Maybe I don’t know as much as someone 10 years my senior, or even 5. What I do know is love is not meant to hurt. Love is caring, love is patient, love is kind, and love is gentle.

If I say this to him, he will tell me he’s undeserving of it and he’s not special, which is very much a lie. He is very special and deserving and wonderful to me. Were technology advanced enough for a mirror to exist that allowed people to see themselves through others’ eyes, I would show him just that to let him see himself how I do.

I’m going to end this with a quote that’s become a favorite of mine: “I wasn’t planning on loving you, but I’m happy that I did.”

And it’s truly one of the happiest unplanned events of my life.

My First Valentine!

Happy Valentine’s Day! I had a wonderful day!

My boyfriend and I agreed to get together for today. Admittedly, the weather wasn’t favorable, but when is winter ever favorable for outing plans unless you’re doing winter sports?

The plan was only to go a buffet and, later, a bakery, but we filled in the time between with a bit of shopping. The buffet was great, although it was busy! The wait staff didn’t get a moment’s peace! I guess that’s standard for Valentine’s Day. I only had two plates, but he had five! And he still finished before I did, although his plates weren’t as full as mine after the first.

We were in the buffet for an hour. After that, we went around, looking for belts and razors for me, and a pair of gloves of him (because I’ll be darned if anyone’s hands freeze on my watch!). The belts were easy to find, but it took a few more stores to find the razors and gloves we were after. We also window-shopped around a game store for a little while. Just to see if there was anything new.

The bakery was great! We each had a slice of chocolate mousse and it was one of the most delicious desserts I’ve ever tasted in my life! I took my time eating mine because it was so good! He took some jello for later in the evening. Apparently, jello can spoil within an hour if it’s not refrigerated. I didn’t know that.

We got the gloves for him after the visit to the bakery and that was it. It was time to go home. I waited with him until the train came, we kissed goodbye when it did, and we left. Honestly, as much as I wanted to get out of the cold, I was still kind of sad we had to split ways. It’s the same way I feel every time we have to go home.

Valentine’s Day has always been one of my favorite holidays because it’s supposed to be a day about love, but this one will probably always be my favorite for being my first one where I had a valentine. The year is still very early, but I’m going to consider this as one of my favorite days of this year.

Too Little Time

I didn’t write anything for the entire month of October. In contrast to why I usually don’t write, I had a fair amount to write about. I avoided it because I don’t want this blog to center around one thing. This blog is supposed to be about my life and my life does not revolve around any one aspect.

However, I want to keep this blog alive for as long as possible. I’ve also been thinking I shouldn’t be fearful of sharing what I want to share. Repetitiveness does get boring, but the idea behind this blog is it’s my thoughts and feelings at a certain point of time. They’re going to be the same for a while until something changes them. So, I will share them.

What I’m thinking of today is time. Right now, outside of my family, the person I spend the most time with is my boyfriend. Not because I’m choosing him over my friends, but because he has the most free time of them. With the seasons changing, nightfall is happening earlier and it’s getting harder to get together. Regardless of who visits who, it’s a 1 to 1 1/2 hour ride for one of us to get to each other, and that’s if there are no delays. That means we already have to cut at least two hours out of our time.

When we do get together, something happens. No matter how much time we have, whether it’s five hours or ten, it seems like time goes at twice its speed. It never feels long enough. I feel happy we had the time together, but sad I have to leave because I only want to stay. I know we’ll get together again soon and it’ll only be a few days between our next day together, but I never want the one we’re having to end.

If I were still 17 years old and reading this, I’d probably be rolling my eyes because it sounds ridiculously saccharine and dramatic. If someone told me at 17 I’d be doing the things I am in four years, I’d believe they lost their mind on the planet Mars. Nevertheless, it’s how I feel and it’s not a feeling I’m ashamed of having.

Yes, I know life isn’t a fairytale. I know romantic relationships do not solve all of life’s problems like they do in some stories. I never counted on that or had such an expectation. What I did count on was having another person in my life who would make me happy and who I could make happy in return. That’s what I got. There’s no day I’m unhappy he’s here.

I believe the best moments are when we both become drowsy and begin falling asleep. Sometimes, only one of us falls asleep while the other is lying there. I love those moments because that’s when time feels like it’s standing still for once and I could lay next to him for an eternity. Of course, we can’t feel any emotion because we’re sleeping, but it’s waking up to silence and only the sight of him next to me that makes those moments so pleasantly surreal, even if we were only sleeping for a half hour.

I’ve heard and read this kind of thinking is a phase or meaningless because it’s only the first year of our relationship and/or we don’t live together. In fact, I was told that by someone who was no older than I was, although that person’s only intent was antagonizing me. I’m not sure about a phase, but I can’t say it’s meaningless. Nothing that and no one who makes you feel joy, love, and merely happy to be alive is meaningless.

Taking Care of a Grumpy Bear

Today, I went out with my boyfriend. We try to do something different everyday, so we hung out at my favorite plaza in the next town over. While I enjoyed myself (and, hopefully, he did too), I started to become tired as time passed and my legs got sore.

Unfortunately, tiredness plus soreness equals grumpiness. Naturally, I wasn’t in the mood for any kind of affection and started rejecting him. Rejection isn’t a bad thing, but what I’m really not proud of is that I started raising my voice at him over every little thing he said, even when he was trying to help. On top of that, when we finally left the plaza, I was so tired, I was stumbling like a drunk person and I still was rude to him, despite that he essentially kept me from walking into traffic more than once.

Nevertheless, he was patient with me. He didn’t yell at me once and still protected me from potentially hurting myself by accident. In fact, he was smiling most of the time, as if I wasn’t even bothering him.

Any other person would’ve decided “screw you” and left me there alone. When I was still talking to Emmi, he once told me he would throw me out of his car if I ever ticked him off, even if we were in his town (which I’m unfamiliar with) at night in the middle of the road! Of course, I wouldn’t purposefully try to anger anyone and I feel terrible about how childish I behaved, which is why I’m very grateful Jia didn’t leave me.

Later, we talked about it and he said that’s a silly thing to leave someone over. He even flat-out said Emmi was an idiot for saying what he did to me. Having had a number of people walk out on me for having a bad day or being frustrated, I was surprised by Jia’s point-of-view.

We’ve only been together for a month, so I don’t want to get too far ahead, but I really hope this lasts. However, time will tell.