I’m Not Leaving

The last time I made a post like this, it was in December 2013, and I’m not linking it because all but one of those things are completely and wholly untrue now.

Recently, I started thinking about Disney’s upcoming, new Disney Princess, Moana. I plan to see it in theaters with my boyfriend and it will be the very first Disney Princess movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. What crossed my mind was if I’d acted on any of suicidal thoughts I’ve had in the past, that wish wouldn’t be becoming reality.

In truth, I have those thoughts more often than I feel comfortable admitting. I suppose it’s not really bad, but aside from my boyfriend and my best friend, the things I list are usually small. Video game series, television ones, art and stories I’ve created, even this blog. I’m happy to know these things. While I still hold the belief I’d prevent my existence if I could go back in time to do so, since I’m already here, I don’t want to leave.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with my self-worth and value as a member of society. I very much do, as I’m sure I’ve made evident. Even as I type this, those thoughts of if I’ll ever be more of a contributor than a tax burden are going through my head. Every so often, those thoughts do take over and become very powerful, but the upside is it usually passes within about two days. A very mentally painful two days, but two days nonetheless. It’s not enough to make me wish I wasn’t an adult or make me miss my childhood.

This past weekend, I was with my boyfriend and I realized I frequently call his house “home” when we’re together (“Are we going home after this?” “Who’s home?”). In the latter example, it might make sense because I’m asking who’s at his home, but the former example is obviously including myself. He’s fine with it, but that was the first time I caught myself doing that. I do feel at home with him, not only in his house, but in the state and city he lives. Not so much I’d dare venture around it alone, but enough to have no anxiety about ever going out there. If it were possible and I knew for sure I wouldn’t become homesick for the city I live in, I’d stay there for a week if he and his family allowed it.

I don’t have everything I want in life, but I’m happy because I do have what I wanted more than anything as a kid. I wanted to be surrounded by people who love and care about me. The “surrounded” part doesn’t exist in a physical sense, but I feel it’s there. I never cared if it was a huge team of people. Him and my best friend really are enough (although that doesn’t mean I’d be closed to more). I wanted to go on trips like I did as a kid. I go out of town, out of state, to visit him and it’s a lot more fun than the same museum five times in a row. I wanted another place to call home. I found it.

I’ll keep trying, particularly since I can’t do much else, but I’m not completely unhappy with where I’m at now. I understand things do happen slowly. It certainly took a lot of friends to find my best friend, and a lot of bad dates and relationships to reach my boyfriend. It only makes sense it’ll take a lot of missed jobs to finally find one. I still did score an interview, so that’s something. At least, I know I’m worth being considered.

I’m not happy to be alive, meaning I’d still have preferred not existing to begin with, but I am happy to have things and people in my life that make it not so bad.

A Promise Isn’t A Promise

These days, it seems my avoidance of drinking alcohol, smoking, or using other drugs is less because of the promise I made to myself and more because I lack access to these things.

From observing my grandfather, it seems being an addict is a free pass to take money from everyone else after blowing all your own. You don’t have to concern yourself with their possible needs because you need their money more than them for your needs. If they temporarily have to go without, it doesn’t matter because you’re not going without. All while being in denial or not realizing you’re an addict.

I can’t say being an addict doesn’t look appealing when I judge by that view. There seems to be little unappealing about it. On top of that, the urge to start is getting stronger with each passing day.

I left home without bathing or eating this morning. Not eating breakfast isn’t unusual for me since I haven’t eaten breakfast regularly since I was 17, but not bathing is. I’ve never been frustrated to the point of not bathing, so it’s a first. All I did was put in deodorant. What’s more surprising is I really don’t care.

Yesterday, I had a dream about driving off a bridge and I feel like that’s my brain trying to tell me something I really don’t want to admit, but might be necessary. Unfortunately, my own cowardice prevents that, as it always has when I first began feeling that way several years ago, so it’ll never be reality unless it’s done by someone else’s hand. Truthfully, I feel like all of this is my fault for ever expecting my efforts to lead me anywhere and wasting my time with trying. I’d think the first decade of my life alone would mean I know better than to expect things to get better, but apparently not. To quote a character of an anime I recently watched: I was stupid. So stupid.

I may not keep that promise. It seems to be pointless. I turn to comfort food when I feel so badly, but that hasn’t been helping like it used to. Perhaps alcohol or nicotine or whatever else there is would be the better alternative. It’s certainly better than selling myself on the street, which I’ve also considered doing out of desperation. Really, I best not get into the things I’ve felt desperate enough to consider for money until I manage to find steady paid work (yes, I’m still looking, for some reason even I fail to understand).

At this point, I’m wondering how much longer I can refuse the desperation or the urges to intoxicate myself. How much longer until I finally decide it’s not worth it and break that promise?

Things Change

I’ve been going through my archives every now and then. I post so infrequently because I have little to talk about, but it sometimes amuses me how much things have changed since I wrote some of the posts I did. And how much some things have not changed.

I’ve noticed one thing changing for certain. My tolerance level for my family. It seems the longer I stay with them, the lower it gets. Most of my time is spent thinking about how to get away from them. Funnily enough, a lot of the negative emotions I feel only happen around them. When I’m away from home, whether it’s by myself or with my friends, they vanish like they were never there to begin with.

My mom and sister have left my life completely. Why, I don’t know. The last I remember is my mom being mad at me for something between her and my dad. I’m clueless as to what I had to do with it. Whenever I eventually move out on my own (or with someone else), I don’t exactly plan to maintain much contact with my family here. Sometimes, I swear I’m going to have a mental breakdown someday from being so aggravated with them.

I’m Scared

There. I said it.

What am I scared of? A lot of things, but this in particular.

I’ve been struggling so much about what to do regarding college and reading things like this only confirms my fears.

Science-related subjects are considered to be the most lucrative careers that exist.  I’ve never heard anyone speak lowly of pursuing these degrees and, in my experience, you’re told you’ll always have a job because they’re in high demand. When people say they got college degrees and still can’t find work or are stuck in dead-end jobs, it’s typically assumed they got a “useless” degree, such as something in art, philosophy, or gender studies.

This just tells me you can work hard and still not get anywhere. It seems like it doesn’t even matter. I already fear returning to college for a degree and ending up right back where I started, but what I want to major in is art-related. To go for something in STEM and still end up right back where I started? I’d kick myself for the rest of my life.

On top of that, I’ve been told there are many different paths to success, but I can only find three. Go to college, go to trade school, or find a job and work your way up. I’ve heard of trade school being more profitable than college, especially because you’re not saddled with debt for an extremely long time, but I can’t think of a single trade I’d be capable of. If web design or art/animation were a trade, I’d go for one of those, but unfortunately, they’re not. I’ve also heard, unlike college, you cannot get financial assistance for trade school. You have to pay for it out of your own pocket. I’m still unemployed, so that’s not possible. My only option is finding a job, which I am having a very hard time with.

The only thing I’m sure of right now is that I am a terrible adult. I cannot figure anything out. I’ve been an adult for three years now and I still have no clue how to be one. I’m already upset that I can’t avoid debt, meaning I will owe someone or something money for as long as I live, and I’m honestly afraid I am always going to be in this position. If I end up going back to school, I want that venture to pay off. Not to throw shots at anyone, but I do not want to end up like my mother, going back to school multiple times in an attempt to better my life and getting nowhere except into more debt.

It’s terrifying and I know adults are supposed to do everything themselves (pretty much the point of being an adult), but I wish I had someone to guide me through all of this and help me get somewhere. I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing or how I’m going to get myself anywhere except where I’m already at. I know what I want. I can’t figure out how to get it. I wish adulthood came with a manual for these situations.

Really, all I want is not to be so useless. Clearly, I’m not doing that well.

A Bad End

I haven’t posted much, obviously. That’s due to a combination of not knowing what to post about and being depressed lately. 2014 ends in two weeks. I’m very glad because this year has sucked.

  • I dropped out of school because I couldn’t handle the stress or keep up with the work.
  • I had a one-month relationship. One freaking month.
  • I’m horrible with this dating thing. I’ve learned that well.
  • I gave oral sex to a guy and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. That’s the last time I let my curiosity get the better of me.
  • Sunny is ill, possibly fatally ill. He’s alright for the time being, but there’s no telling how long that will last.
  • I am still unemployed and it’s becoming harder and harder not to get discouraged.
  • I had to leave a forum I was a part of and enjoyed because I made one very stupid slip-up.
  • I was dumped for having anxiety.
  • Just all around feeling awful and regretting a lot of things.

If Sunny dies, I’m not looking for anyone else because I’ve had it. I know one year is very soon to be giving up, but I cannot do this over and over. I admire the people who can, but I can’t. I cannot go through five, ten, twenty, or however many years of breakups and disappointment until I find a relationship that lasts. I’d rather get pets and be happy like that.

The only good things that came out of this year are some movies I got see, a new obsession, my iPad, and time spent with my best friend.

If I Had Killed Myself…

Months ago, I talked about how I struggle with depression. I can’t say whether it’s gotten better or worse. What I can say is it has gotten better since 2010, when it reached its peak. To make a long story short, age 16 was the worst year for me with depression. I was fighting every hour of the day to not do injure myself, let alone kill myself. I am much better now and although it’s only been three years, I can say I am glad I didn’t kill myself. Sometimes, I have mixed feelings about it, but overall, I am glad I didn’t.

If I had killed myself, I wouldn’t…

  • Have met my best friend, or my pen pal in Britain. Both are very sweet, fun, adorable girls and I am so glad to know them.
  • Have met my clinician, who I absolutely love, admire, and adore.
  • Have met two nice guys. Remember the one who dumped me for being asexual? He messaged me again and I gave him a second chance. So far, he’s proven he has patience.
  • Have become a part of a great Sims 3 community. It’s a Facebook group I’m a part of and they’re very nice people. They make the game more fun for me.
  • Have become a part of the childfree community. In fact, I would’ve never known the word “childfree” existed!
  • Have graduated high school. Well, I would’ve been dead, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, but the smallest thing I ever wanted to do, besides reach 18, was finish high school.
  • Have seen age 18. Next milestone age is 21.
  • Be getting an iPad Air next year. Granted, I would’ve never gotten into them if my school hadn’t given them out during my junior year, but too late now.

Bad things have still happened, of course, but I really couldn’t care less. For one, none of it permanently affects me. Two, the above is far more worth it. On New Year’s Eve, I will do a “best days” list for 2013. I think I’ll repeat the list for 2014. It really was fun to do and a great way to remind myself of some good times.

 

Mundane Monday: Tumbling Along

Yes, the segments are finally back. Although, I don’t think anyone was holding their breath.

There is something I’m really thankful for lately.

Yes, Tumblr. I’ve learned many things from Tumblr I may not have learned otherwise. Some things, I already knew about, but Tumblr expanded that knowledge for me. Tumblr has taught me about:

  • Fandoms. I am heavily involved in the Winx Club fandom on Tumblr and I take interest in a couple. I’ve never seen so many fan sites in one place.
  • Feminism. I learned about rape culture, and really just how hateful the world can be towards women and men who stand up for women. I also learned that men who are raped are treated as bad as women who are.
  • Recovery. If not for Tumblr, I may have never discovered what recovery is. Now, I know that I can recover from depression and other things, but I have to help myself. Since getting into recovery, I’ve found a number of recovery blogs on Tumblr and even started my own personal one, which you can find in my sidebar.
  • Confidence. Tumblr is the place where I’m not afraid to get involved in anything. I tend to choose not to because I don’t like starting fights, but if I ever want to, I’m not hesitant.

I’ve had my main blog on Tumblr for nearly a year. The anniversary date is August 26th. At the minute, my blog has 140 followers. I really didn’t expect it to become what it has. When I signed up for Tumblr, I only intended the blog to be where I posted whatever I felt like. Now, it’s like a part of me, and is home to the various aspects of my mind.