Dead To Me

This may be the coldest post I’ve written on this blog, so if dark thoughts or stoic feelings are disturbing to you, please read no further.

Continue reading

Advertisements

No Relationships

Recently, something crossed my mind. There are no good relationships in my family.

Out of my immediate family, there were only two marriages and they were both bad. One was my aunt’s (paternal grandmother’s sister) and it ended because the man was abusive. The other was the one between my paternal grandparents, which became bad in the few years before my grandmother died. After her death, I discovered my grandfather had been cheating on her and even had children with a different woman.

Besides those marriages, there have never been any long-term relationships. None of the children in my family were planned. Most of them were born when their parents weren’t together. I myself was the consequence of a one-night stand.

I’m starting to wonder if the lack of stable relationships I saw growing up may had an influence on my perspective of them. I view marriage as being chained to somebody for life, an idea that doesn’t appeal to me. Divorce exists, but it’s a pain in the rear to deal with and if I marry, I only want to marry once. One and done. Yes, I know you choose the person you marry, but what if you choose the wrong person? I’d be too afraid of choosing the wrong person a second time. I’m already a little afraid that giving a certain person a second chance could be a mistake, despite that person seeming to prove it isn’t.

A lot of my family members have a long list of past relationships. While I have nothing against that, I don’t want to a long list for myself, whether they failed or were never serious. In fact, if I were to marry, I wouldn’t want to until I was at least thirty so I could have some of my life to myself. At the minute, my family doesn’t want me dating anyone, but I’m sure their tune will change in a few years and instead, they’ll be bugging me about when I’m getting married or whether I’m dating someone.

Truthfully, I think I’d be happier with a long-term, steady boyfriend or girlfriend for life than a marriage because of my need for having much of my own space. I do not live well with other people. I believe I’d even tire of my friends sooner or later if we had to live together, despite that I care very much for them. That said, compatibility probably counts a lot here. I’d, of course, try not to be demanding or overbearing, but if there could be some kind of understanding between, it might work out.

There’s also the possibility I may never have a serious, steady relationship at all and that’s perfectly fine with me as well. Finding and keeping a relationship is an experience I genuinely want to have, but it’s not high on my priority list. It’s not something I’m dedicating all of my time too.

I’m Back…

Back at my grandfather’s house, I mean. I never left the blog.

Things with my mother toppled over and, long story short, she kicked me out. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I left in the morning on December 1st to go on a trip with my father (which she was well aware of) and she decided she didn’t want me to come back. In a simple sentence, she abandoned me.

Why and how this happened, I have no idea. She was fine when I left, but became angry at me later on. I attempted to reconcile with her multiple times, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested.

On top of kicking me out, she lied to me about something serious that could’ve affected my ability to attend college, and told my relatives I pulled a knife on her, an incident that never occurred.

All she has is the remainder of my stuff, which I will attempt to get before the year is over. After that, she will have no reason to contact me, so we will have removed each other from our own lives. I admit I have struggled with some emotions about this for the past few days, but I realize I have no choice but to accept it. If she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t want me, and there is nothing I can do about it. I’d like to know where the false accusations come from (that tale about the knife is merely one), but I don’t care enough to question her. And even if I did, she’d likely deny it, as she does many things. Ironically, she says she never forgets things. I think she has selective memory, but then again, most people probably do, myself included.

I find myself surprisingly stoic about this. That is, in spite of all the mixed emotions over the past few days, I don’t feel too abnormal. Nothing really feels very  different. I’m hurt, yes, but not as much as I would expect myself to be over something like this. I’m willing to bet that doesn’t make much sense, but then, neither does this situation as a whole. At the very least, I wish she would tell me what she’s angry about.

With everything that’s occurred, I really want nothing more than for 2014 to arrive. I cannot wait for this year to be over.

College plans aren’t all that changed…

When I was forced out of my mother’s custody in August 2010, I’d always planned on coming back after I turned 18. I postponed it until I graduated high school because I didn’t want to have to change the information in the system (more of a pain than it sounds, trust me). But now, it seems like the tides have turned and I’m going to be right back at my grandfather’s house.

Mom was happy about me moving back in. She told everyone her daughter was finally coming home. I heard her tell people half the time! Apparently, however, that happiness was short-lived. My mother has become poisonous and I honestly think she’s losing her mind. I do my best to put up with it because she’s not like this all the time, but she apologizes just to do it again later. She’s made it clear she doesn’t love me and favors my sister. I still remember how she would deny that when I was pointed it out as a kid. Nice to have the confirmation, I guess, but it hardly means anything when I knew all along.

I don’t know how much longer I can tolerate her. The insane accusations (and I do mean insane!) out of nowhere, blaming me for her troubles, doing just about anything to make my life harder. She really doesn’t care what happened to me, even if it was death! And I’m not exaggerating. She really doesn’t.

I know of the saying “an eye for an eye makes the whole world go blind”, but two can play at this game. In about a half hour, I’m heading out to cancel the layaway we made together. She can have her darn money back and I’ll take mine and get what I want myself! I still question why she even had me if she was basically going to toss me aside like dirt after a certain age.

But you know what? It’s fine. I’m not the only one who’s dealt with a bad parent and the friends of mine who have are turning out to be alright. One got lucky, but I’m not envious. I’m very happy for her.

The stupid thing in all of this? I have my cell phone turned off and you can bet my mother will be calling me frequently and getting mad at me not answering. She has a bad habit of “forgetting” the awful things she does. Well, just like she apparently doesn’t forget what people do to her, I don’t forget what people do to me. And yes, I know I’m not perfect and I do some bad things too, but nothing near what she accuses me of. The worst thing I probably do is…ignore her when she becomes mean, come to think of it.

True Colors

No MM segment today because I’m in a bad mood.

It’s interesting that when someone says “I’m okay with whatever you want to do”, they really mean “I’m only okay with whatever you want as long as I approve.” In other words, they’re lying.

My grandfather knows I’m moving and he is not happy about it. His first reaction to the news was to get drunk. Then, he told my uncle to try to convince me to stay. Of course, my uncle didn’t. He takes my grandfather about as seriously as I do: not at all.

Yesterday, he insulted to me (to my mother) by saying he doesn’t see how I could hold a job when I can’t even keep my room clean. Besides that this is a blatant lie, this insult came about when I told him I was taking a year off school because I wanted to work. Why my mom told him I was taking a gap year is beyond me, but most of my family members are gossips to begin with. Anyway, my answer to his question of where I want to work was “Anywhere”. Rather than realize I meant temporarily, he decided I would have a mentality of working anywhere for the rest of my life and proceeded to go into a rant about a person cannot support themselves working at McDonald’s. Note that I did not say a specific place. He assumed this. Idiot.

He also believes my mother talked me into moving back in with her, not attending school and is teaching me to live off the system. All are false, but, of course, he can’t imagine I could make any decision on my own because I’m supposed to be too stupid to be able to make my own choices.

My uncle told me today that my grandfather will not allow me to take my laptop. Do I care? No. I can back up all of my files and wipe the entire hard drive out. Not to mention he doesn’t even know how use a computer. My uncle does, but he’s unable to use mine. So, basically, my laptop would just sit and collect dust. Fine by me. That’s $427 out of his pocket going to waste, not mine.

With all of the things he has done, my grandfather has no business telling someone else how to live their life. He’s angry because I’m capable of deciding things for myself and I don’t need or want his approval. He cannot stop me from moving out and he knows it. He doesn’t want me to leave, yet he’s giving me every reason I should.

I have come to the conclusion that my grandfather will never respect me as an intelligent individual capable of making choices and following her own path. And you know what? I’m okay with that. He is close-minded and I cannot do anything about that. I have better things to do than fight for the approval of someone who clearly does not respect me as a person. I don’t plan on maintaining contact with him after I move out.

I don’t think I’ve ever spoken about myself this way before, but I don’t deserve to be treated this way. Nobody does.