Ending One Chapter Starts Another

I know I’m probably going to eat my words somewhere down the line, but this year is already starting off well. And that means something since it didn’t particularly end well.

My job as a cashier is a seasonal position, so after a certain date, I was supposed to be let go. Key word: was.

I learned today it’s planned for me to stay on the team after the seasonal period ends, although it’s probably news I wasn’t supposed to learn this early. When I was working today, I confided in the supervisor on duty it was a concern on my mind, but I didn’t want to come across as a nag for daring to ask the manager in charge of it. She told me to ask anyway since we’re allowed (my workplace has an “open-door policy”, which means you can speak to any manager or supervisor you want at any time if you need something) and since I was already at work, I swallowed my fear and asked when I went on break. The answer was yes. When I returned from break, I very happily (but quietly) thanked the supervisor for encouraging me to do that. She was happy for me.

I work my first job and I didn’t fail at it! I still marvel at being able to hold down a job, so to learn I’m keeping it blew me right out of the water!

The other goodness for 2017 is, although it was unneeded, I got a reminder of just how strong a certain person’s love is for me. The circumstances that revealed it weren’t so pleasant and I have enough humility to admit those circumstances were my fault. No, I’m not asking for a cookie. The end of the matter of was when he became hysterical over me and sobbed for about five to ten minutes. Few things have crushed me with so much guilt as when I realized I caused that. To top it off, he called himself pathetic for crying and pushed me away when I tried to comfort him (after asking for me to do it just two minutes ago), insisting he didn’t deserve it. Let me make that clear: I hurt him, but he was crying over me. He was hysterical over the person who hurt him because he believed it was the other way around and he’d hurt me.

Before that happened, he’d been prepared to wait all day for me because he didn’t yet know I’d already left home. Now, I’ll admit that sounds stalker-ish on the surface, but these plans were arranged and agreed to, and he didn’t have reason to believe they changed.

I’m fortunate to have someone who loves me so much, he deems me worth having an emotional breakdown over, and right after I hadn’t been so kind to him. I deserved that guilt and, really, so much more than that. He once said I spoil him because I often pay for much of our outings since I have a job. He’s wrong. He spoils me with so much love and patience like that. I genuinely love him and I don’t plan on putting him to a test, especially when I know all too well the misfortune of not having people who love you or have your best interests at heart.

I already know the happiness won’t last and there are some difficult times coming up. In fact, there’s one I’ve been aware of for a very long time. But I’ll have to face it when it comes and knowing I have the above, I’m not afraid of it anymore because it’s not a problem I created. For now, however, I’ll simply enjoy the joy ride.

Favorites of 2016

I keep coming back to this blog and finding I have so little I want to write about.

My life hasn’t really changed in any huge way. There are no news or articles I really want to discuss. There’s nothing nagging my mind or that I’ve been deep in thought about. Same old aggravations, same general routine, and all. I’m not unhappy about that. I simply don’t want to talk about it all the time.

So, I’ll do this. I’ll end my blog posts for 2016 with my favorite things of this year. If I come up with something else to talk about, I’ll post it, but for now, I’m considering this my last post of the year.

  • Movies. This year, I saw Zootopia, The Jungle Book, Storks, and Moana in theaters. Moana was my most favorite because it was an awesome movie and the very first Disney Princess movie I ever got to see in theaters. My least favorite was Storks. It was a cool movie, but it had a very annoying character throughout it that I personally didn’t find funny.
  • My job. This one is probably as obvious as crystal clear glass. I finally got my very first job and was finally making some money of my own. I confess I’ve done the typical thing and spent my money almost as soon as I got it, but only once have I spent all of it. I’ve been much more careful since and I try to never let my bank account fall under $100. This was the first year I was able to buy Christmas presents and that felt great!
  • Travel. I hate traveling, but to be with my boyfriend makes the trips worth it. Since I started working, we’ve gotten together almost weekly instead of monthly like we used to. For me, that’s the best reward of having this job. Of course, being who he is, he’s not letting me pay for everything. One thing I told him long before I got a job was I would never let him go hungry on any night if I could help it. He thought I was kidding, but I meant it. I have to argue with him to get him to take just $10 for food if he needs it. I appreciate he’s so grateful and won’t take advantage of me, but he knows I hate him going hungry. I was also finally able to bring him to my house once. No, my family didn’t meet him, but I was glad I could finally show him my room. My bed is too small for us, though. He was more content on the rug. ūüėõ
  • Pok√©mon. First off, I loved the year-long giveaway for the 20th anniversary! I got every one! I’ll never use them, but I love collecting, so I’m so glad I didn’t miss out. Meloetta and Manaphy are my favorites. Sun and Moon come after. Although I still have some small gripes, the games have not disappointed me. I think my favorite feature is Pok√© Pelago. I also question if the games really do cater more to kids. Sure, it seems so on the outside, but the games are really darker than any previous game has ever been. I’m almost willing to bet the creators did that on purpose. Make the games seem too easy at first, only to later shock the players with the real difficulty. And it is hard! Something I’m doing in S&M that I’ve never done in any game I played before is using the X items. It’s either that or all the bosses kill me. Well played, Pok√©mon Company. Well played.

I’ve been considering trying to get my driver’s license if I keep my job after the seasonal period. I don’t have a car to drive, but I think it’ll be nice to have it my license is all. Then, if and when I do have a car for myself, I’ll have getting the license out of the way.

2015 brought me a wonderful partner and 2016 brought me a great job. I’m hoping 2017 will bring something good as well, although I imagine there’ll be some heartbreak before it comes.

Love Doesn’t Hurt

Originally, I wasn’t going to write this because I feel like I share too much at times. However, I wanted to write something, and it was either this or a post about how two-faced people get away with everything. Frankly, I’ve had enough of the world’s mean-spiritedness for one day, so I chose this instead.

Today is mine and my boyfriend’s anniversary! We have been a couple for a full year and known each other for 18 months in total.

There’s a somewhat odd feeling with it.¬† I knew the day would come, yet I’m still surprised it arrived. I didn’t at all feel like we would break up, yet I’m shocked we’ve been together this long, despite that a year, all things considered, isn’t a long time. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s still that “honeymoon phase”, where a new couple is in love and fawning over each other constantly because they’ve only been together a short time. Neither of us have ever been blind to other people or aspects of our lives, however, so I doubt it.

Yes, I think I’m making it obvious I’m still really inexperienced when it comes to relationships. Or rather, when it comes to good relationships.

I feel like I have a weird way of being in love. I don’t swoon, my heart doesn’t race, and my palms don’t sweat. Instead, it’s when I think about losing this person. I’ve experienced heartbreak once and it hurt very much for a week. It wasn’t the most painful thing I’d felt, but it certainly isn’t something I’d want a repeat of. However, I never experienced it again, even when I cut ties with men I developed feelings for. I can only assume my heart locked itself up, although it doesn’t feel that way. I can’t say I’m curious enough to want to find out.

Similar to my best friend, my boyfriend has become a big part of my life and happiness, and he’s one of the few healthy parts of it. With the kind of family I grew up in, that’s a very good thing. He’s not a therapist. He’s not fixing me. Without trying, he’s shown me over time something I wish had been told to me as a child: love is not supposed to be painful! I can imagine my life without him, but I don’t want to. I question myself a lot, but I believe the day I became certain I loved him was when I did picture losing him and felt pain. The image of him being absent from my life hurts.

I’m willing to bet there is someone several years older than me who’s reading this and rolling their eyes, thinking to themselves, “This silly 22-year-old thinks she knows what love is”. Maybe I don’t know as much as someone 10 years my senior, or even 5. What I do know is love is not meant to hurt. Love is caring, love is patient, love is kind, and love is gentle.

If I say this to him, he will tell me he’s undeserving of it and he’s not special, which is very much a lie. He is very special and deserving and wonderful to me. Were technology advanced enough for a mirror to exist that allowed people to see themselves through others’ eyes, I would show him just that to let him see himself how I do.

I’m going to end this with a quote that’s become a favorite of mine: “I wasn’t planning on loving you, but I’m happy that I did.”

And it’s truly one of the happiest unplanned events of my life.

To My Younger Self

Every so often when I browse Facebook or Tumblr, I see a post that goes along of the lines of “If you could go back in time, what would you tell your younger self?”

I think if I went back in time to meet my younger self, even by as few as three years or so, she’d slap me back into my current age. I wouldn’t blame her. As little as one year ago, if someone told me I’d be doing the things I do now, I would’ve assumed they were out of their minds.

However, when I see that question, it’s myself as a child I think of. I usually picture myself back around age 7 or 10. There are a lot of things I would go back and tell my child self because I very much needed to hear them, but no one ever told me. Hearing them probably wouldn’t have made life back then any easier, but in the moments I needed it, it probably would’ve helped. Had I any artistic skill, I’d create a comic about it.

I want to keep this list fairly short, so I’ll stick to what I think are the most important things.

  • You’re going to be happy to be alive. The very first time I thought about suicide, I was ten years old. Before that, my thoughts were often of running away from home and not returning. When things got especially bad and I was crying myself to sleep, I spent the time until I finally wore out hoping someone would break into my house and snatch me away. If I could go back and speak to my child self, I’d tell her she’ll be happy those thoughts were never a reality. She probably wouldn’t believe me and, again, I wouldn’t blame her. But I’d still say it.
  • Love does¬†not hurt. Well, not the way I learned it did as a child. To be totally honest, this is something I’m struggling with as an adult. I prefer to just be grateful and not dwell, but in the back of my mind, I question why someone loves me or why they care to help me or why they want to know me. This is something I’d probably say over and over to my child self until I was certain she understood. No, your loved ones are not supposed to hurt you and no, being family does not justify them doing so.
  • You’re the cutest child ever, but that’s not what matters. No, I don’t think I was the cutest child ever when I look back at my childhood pictures, but “ugly” was the most common insult I heard growing up. It wasn’t only by the school bullies. My family’s vanity and obsession with looks also pushed me to believe I looked horrid when, in actuality, nothing was wrong with me. I spent my entire childhood hating how I look because I believed my looks weren’t good enough and that was all anyone cared about. I would tell my child self she is an adorable person, but it’s not the most important thing about her and most people really don’t care.
  • Friendships aren’t like the cartoons. I’m certain this one speaks for itself. I had trouble keeping friends because of how often I moved and my mother didn’t like friends visiting or letting me visit them. I would tell her it’s not completely abnormal and she’ll not only find her own friends in due time, but learn who’s a friend and who’s not.
  • 2010 will be the worst year of your life. As awful as it sounds, I’d tell her this as a warning. 2010 is the year everything began to crash and burn. My life was ripped apart from the inside out and this is the year my suicidal emotions were at their worst. The only thing that kept me from acting on those emotions was the cowardice to cause myself pain, and I regularly kicked myself for that. I’d tell her she, unfortunately, doesn’t have a choice and she’ll get through it, but it’s going to be painful. Very painful.
  • Your family will fall apart, but you won’t. This is the final one and arguably the most important after love doesn’t hurt. My family indeed has fallen apart. It’s ripped up more than I could’ve ever imagined as a kid. I’d tell my child self this is going to happen and she can’t stop it, but it’s not her job to stop it in the first place. I won’t lie and pretend it doesn’t hurt. It hurts a lot! However, what hurts more is when you’re trying as hard as you can to keep it together and your efforts are failing. I’d tell her she’s not a failure for being unable to hold her family together and it really is alright for her to worry about keeping herself together first and foremost. I’d tell her it’s their choices and their actions that are making them fall apart, and she’s not at fault for what they do.

Too Little Time

I didn’t write anything for the entire month of October. In contrast to why I usually don’t write, I had a fair amount to write about. I avoided it because I don’t want this blog to center around one thing. This blog is supposed to be about my life and my life does not revolve around any one aspect.

However, I want to keep this blog alive for as long as possible. I’ve also been thinking I shouldn’t be fearful of sharing what I want to share. Repetitiveness does get boring, but the idea behind this blog is it’s my thoughts and feelings at a certain point of time. They’re going to be the same for a while until something changes them. So, I will share them.

What I’m thinking of today is time. Right now, outside of my family, the person I spend the most time with is my boyfriend. Not because I’m choosing him over my friends, but because he has the most free time of them. With the seasons changing, nightfall is happening earlier and it’s getting harder to get together. Regardless of who visits who, it’s a 1 to 1 1/2 hour ride for one of us to get to each other, and that’s if there are no delays. That means we already have to cut at least two hours out of our time.

When we do get together, something happens. No matter how much time we have, whether it’s five hours or ten, it seems like time goes at twice its speed. It never feels long enough. I feel happy we had the time together, but sad I have to leave because I only want to stay. I know we’ll get together again soon and it’ll only be a few days between our next day together, but I never want the one we’re having to end.

If I were still 17 years old and reading this, I’d probably be rolling my eyes because it sounds ridiculously saccharine and dramatic. If someone told me at 17 I’d be doing the things I am in four years, I’d believe they lost their mind on the planet Mars. Nevertheless, it’s how I feel and it’s not a feeling I’m ashamed of having.

Yes, I know life isn’t a fairytale. I know romantic relationships do not solve all of life’s problems like they do in some stories. I never counted on that or had such an expectation. What I did count on was having another person in my life who would make me happy and who I could make happy in return. That’s what I got. There’s no day I’m unhappy he’s here.

I believe the best moments are when we both become drowsy and begin falling asleep. Sometimes, only one of us falls asleep while the other is lying there. I love those moments because that’s when time feels like it’s standing still for once and I could lay next to him for an eternity. Of course, we can’t feel any emotion because we’re sleeping, but it’s waking up to silence and only the sight of him next to me that makes those moments so pleasantly surreal, even if we were only sleeping for a half hour.

I’ve heard and read this kind of thinking is a phase or meaningless because it’s only the first year of our relationship and/or we don’t live together. In fact, I was told that by someone who was no older than I was, although that person’s only intent was antagonizing me. I’m not sure about a phase, but I can’t say it’s meaningless. Nothing that and no one who makes you feel joy, love, and merely happy to be alive is meaningless.

Your Judgement Isn’t Important

Anger is swirling inside me right now.

I spent the whole day with my boyfriend. As always, I had a great time. However, we accidentally left his home a bit too late and, as a result, I had to take a much later train home than I intended. It was a genuine accident and we know we have to be more careful now.

So, why am I angry? Because when I sent a message to my uncle to let him know I’d be late, we got into a discussion about it and at one point, he said this to me: “He’s not important.”

“He” is referring to my boyfriend, of course. This isn’t the first time my uncle’s said that either and, frankly, I’m becoming less and less tolerant of these comments. I ignore them because my boyfriend doesn’t hear them, which is what I care about most, and they do not affect either of us personally. I don’t expect him to be considered important to anyone in my family. They don’t know him. But to say he’s not important at all? No!

Not only is he important to me, he is important as a person overall. Why? Let me break it up:

  • He was upset about being late and blamed himself for it. (Empathy)
  • He saw to it that I got on the train I needed and wouldn’t be any later than I already was. (Responsibility)
  • He told me to call him when I got home because he wanted to know I made it home safely. (Caring/Concern)
  • He apologized again after I called him. (Kindness)

There’s much more than that, but those are the ones relevant to this instance. You don’t have to be a big shot to be important. Everyone is important to at least two people: themselves and someone else. And I certainly hope he considers himself as important and valuable as I consider him.

I’ve told my boyfriend enough about my family for him to be able to make some scathing comments of his own, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t know them just like they don’t know him, yet he manages to be the bigger person in this matter. I love him for that, and I love him overall and the devil will have to rise before I let my family decide who I should deem important and unimportant. I could deem several of my uncle’s past relationships unimportant, but that wouldn’t make me any more mature than him, and they’re not mine to place a value on anyway. So, I don’t.

Getting in deeper, my boyfriend is one of the three people (the other two are my best friend, and high school clinician) who’s had – and still continues to have – a huge positive impact on me and my life. He’s important to my health, my well-being, and me as a person. He’s added a lot to me and my life I don’t want to ever have taken. He’s become another reason I’m happy I did not take my life years ago when I was heavily suicidal. I didn’t know him around the time and thinking that I so easily never could’ve saddens me. Heck, when I think about how it was pure luck I met him (I randomly decided to log into OKC after being fed up with it), I feel a bit stunned.

Yes, he is very important to me and I prioritize him. Sure, sometimes, other things come first because different things need attention at different times, but he and our relationship absolutely are a priority for me and unless the day comes when we decide to cut ties (which I hope will never happen), that’s how my priorities will always be. No amount of mean comments will make me regret that.

I Found The Diamond

There’s an expression that goes, “Never ignore someone who cares for you because someday, you’ll realize you’ve lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones.”

I couldn’t find a quote about finding a diamond among stones, but I did find one. Lots of stones. Annoying stones that hurt my foot. But I¬†talked about the “stones” last week and I’ve finally kicked them all back in their pond.

So, why do I mention the quote? Because not only did I almost lose the diamond, I almost missed it entirely.

I met him way back in January, when I was still traipsing OKC. In fact, it was the second day of the year. I don’t even know why I logged in that day, but I suppose it was on the off-chance something good was in my inbox and I had nothing better to do. Being honest, my very first thought before even checking the message was along of the lines of a snarky “Hmm, let’s see what you want.” Gladly, that little bit of cynicism vanished because the conversation that followed was very pleasant.

To keep this story from getting long, I’ll sum up the rest.¬†We met in-person after two months to go see Cinderella¬†and since then, we’ve been meeting up with each other every so often ever since. He holds the record in my book for shortest time taken to bring someone home (not in that context!).

I can honestly say he’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever known in my life. He doesn’t complain about anything and has gone out of his way multiple times to make things easy for me. Sometimes, I feel like I am not deserving of him because he is just that nice to me.

Along with being the only good that came out of OKC, he’s pretty much the highlight of this year for me. I never have a bad day with him and I always look forward to the next day I’ll be able to spend with him. He’s shown me a lot of things and I even got to have my first sleepover with him. I feel bad I can’t bring him to my home like he’s brought me to his, but he does not deserve to be subjected to my family. He’s way too nice for that.

There is a part of me that fears I’m letting myself fall into an illusion and I’m setting myself up to be let down later. That’s not out of distrust of him, but out of my own insecurities and fears from all of my previous experiences, not to mention all the failed relationships within my family. But I try not to think about that because I’m genuinely happy to have him in my life and I want him to stay for a long time.