This post was inspired by a particular video and its comments. However, I will link to neither because it’s an uncomfortable subject and it probably comes off as being oversensitive. Still, I feel the need to talk about it.
This isn’t something that happened recently, but it’s something I regret to this day.
This incident was the very first of all the troubles I ever experienced with my family between both sides and while it’s possible some of them still may have happened, I feel if this particular one hadn’t, my family would’ve been a little less hectic for a few more years.
It happened in late 2006, nearly ten years ago. Besides browsing my computer, I can’t remember what else was going on. I may have had a cell phone at the time and had it with me, but I’m not certain if I was using it. I wanted to check my email and I had a message from my father. Email was how we spoke to each other at that time, so messages from were expected. The difference that time was he sent me a picture of my mom he had. Continue reading
Last night, my mom called me. We very rarely speak to each other because 1) I can never get ahold of her and 2) she’s bitter about my dad’s side of the family and likes to take it out on me. Anyway, unsurprisingly, she didn’t want anything. She only called to tell me she knows I dropped out of school. Okay, and…?
My mom has a habit of doing this, really. Not just trying to antagonize people she doesn’t like, but behaving in ways merely to spite people. She’s done this since I was kid, when I was still young enough to be a bargaining tool.
In short, it’s been twenty years and she still sucks at being a mother.
You’d think I cut her out of my life, at least temporarily, with the way she acts, but I can never bring myself to. I have tried to fix our relationship and all of my attempts fail. I know she won’t change. Why would she? She typically gets what she wants through manipulation. She can’t deal with someone who doesn’t think she’s always right or her word is law. She doesn’t like to admit when she’s wrong either. That’s not to say people haven’t done wrong to her. In fact, her own mother was actually worse to her than she was to me (cycle of abuse, basically).
Years ago, my mom once mentioned how she said she’d never treat her kids the way her mom treated her. Unfortunately, she only got it half-right. She may not have treated my sister and I as badly as her mom did, but her parenting was still abysmal. The only reason my sister is still in her good graces is she follows my mom around like a shadow and rarely questions a word out of her mouth.
I posted about this in a Facebook group and everyone who replied basically told me the same thing: I have to accept she will never be mother I need. And I want to accept that, yet I feel I can’t. The guilt that results from even considering cutting her out is crushing. I have no idea what the guilt is even for, but I feel bound and chained by it. But eventually, I’m going to have to figure out how to break those chains. I’m only 20 now, but soon enough, I will be 21, 22, 25, 30, and so on. I’ve already spent about two decades under her thumb. I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and unsuccessfully trying to fix my relationship with her.
Being over eighteen is supposed to mean you’re free from your parents’ control. I don’t even live with her, nor have I for the past four years, and I don’t feel free. I feel like a caged rat.
Recently, something crossed my mind. There are no good relationships in my family.
Out of my immediate family, there were only two marriages and they were both bad. One was my aunt’s (paternal grandmother’s sister) and it ended because the man was abusive. The other was the one between my paternal grandparents, which became bad in the few years before my grandmother died. After her death, I discovered my grandfather had been cheating on her and even had children with a different woman.
Besides those marriages, there have never been any long-term relationships. None of the children in my family were planned. Most of them were born when their parents weren’t together. I myself was the consequence of a one-night stand.
I’m starting to wonder if the lack of stable relationships I saw growing up may had an influence on my perspective of them. I view marriage as being chained to somebody for life, an idea that doesn’t appeal to me. Divorce exists, but it’s a pain in the rear to deal with and if I marry, I only want to marry once. One and done. Yes, I know you choose the person you marry, but what if you choose the wrong person? I’d be too afraid of choosing the wrong person a second time. I’m already a little afraid that giving a certain person a second chance could be a mistake, despite that person seeming to prove it isn’t.
A lot of my family members have a long list of past relationships. While I have nothing against that, I don’t want to a long list for myself, whether they failed or were never serious. In fact, if I were to marry, I wouldn’t want to until I was at least thirty so I could have some of my life to myself. At the minute, my family doesn’t want me dating anyone, but I’m sure their tune will change in a few years and instead, they’ll be bugging me about when I’m getting married or whether I’m dating someone.
Truthfully, I think I’d be happier with a long-term, steady boyfriend or girlfriend for life than a marriage because of my need for having much of my own space. I do not live well with other people. I believe I’d even tire of my friends sooner or later if we had to live together, despite that I care very much for them. That said, compatibility probably counts a lot here. I’d, of course, try not to be demanding or overbearing, but if there could be some kind of understanding between, it might work out.
There’s also the possibility I may never have a serious, steady relationship at all and that’s perfectly fine with me as well. Finding and keeping a relationship is an experience I genuinely want to have, but it’s not high on my priority list. It’s not something I’m dedicating all of my time too.
Back at my grandfather’s house, I mean. I never left the blog.
Things with my mother toppled over and, long story short, she kicked me out. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. I left in the morning on December 1st to go on a trip with my father (which she was well aware of) and she decided she didn’t want me to come back. In a simple sentence, she abandoned me.
Why and how this happened, I have no idea. She was fine when I left, but became angry at me later on. I attempted to reconcile with her multiple times, but she made it clear she wasn’t interested.
On top of kicking me out, she lied to me about something serious that could’ve affected my ability to attend college, and told my relatives I pulled a knife on her, an incident that never occurred.
All she has is the remainder of my stuff, which I will attempt to get before the year is over. After that, she will have no reason to contact me, so we will have removed each other from our own lives. I admit I have struggled with some emotions about this for the past few days, but I realize I have no choice but to accept it. If she doesn’t want me, she doesn’t want me, and there is nothing I can do about it. I’d like to know where the false accusations come from (that tale about the knife is merely one), but I don’t care enough to question her. And even if I did, she’d likely deny it, as she does many things. Ironically, she says she never forgets things. I think she has selective memory, but then again, most people probably do, myself included.
I find myself surprisingly stoic about this. That is, in spite of all the mixed emotions over the past few days, I don’t feel too abnormal. Nothing really feels very different. I’m hurt, yes, but not as much as I would expect myself to be over something like this. I’m willing to bet that doesn’t make much sense, but then, neither does this situation as a whole. At the very least, I wish she would tell me what she’s angry about.
With everything that’s occurred, I really want nothing more than for 2014 to arrive. I cannot wait for this year to be over.