So Simple, Yet Amazed

I amaze myself. It’s ridiculous, but I do.

I’ve managed to hold down my job. I’ve kept a steady relationship. I’ve traveled outside of the state alone. Most recently, I’m stunned at myself because I resisted using any of my credit (except for an urgent Lyft ride to work, which ended up being free) until I paid off the balance. The payment was already scheduled on my payday and tomorrow, it’ll be fully processed and my balance will be $0.00.

The reason I feel so surprised at myself for these things is they weren’t things I imagined I could do, especially restraining myself from spending. I would say to myself as long as I could get the money back and my account wasn’t at zero, spending it didn’t matter. However, that’s not a good way to think. I almost had myself in over my head with the debts I acquired from overspending. Now, I only have one small debt left to pay. On top of that, there are things I really need to spend money on, like health checkups, which I’ve put off because I despise visiting the doctor. Especially the ones that have to touch my face or lower half. Don’t touch me!

To raise my credit score, I sent for a credit card I was approved for. I don’t know when it will arrive, but it shipped earlier this week. I’ve been advised it’s best keep your credit card use under 15 to 20 percent, though I’m going with 15% to be on the safe side. The card’s limit is $200, so I have only $30 to spend every month if I truly want to keep to that limit. I don’t want the credit card to begin with, but keeping to a $30 spending limit seems impossible for me. Yet, I kept to a zero spending limit with the credit I already have through another until I could pay off the balance. If I can do that, I know I can keep my spending on that credit card under $30. Although, I must admit I feel silly about being excited I can pay bills, but that’s a different subject on its own.

Now, there’s something else I’m hoping I can amaze myself with: sticking to a self-made promise. I’ve been frustrated with myself lately because I’m very scarce when it comes to making artwork, even after purchasing a tablet for solely that purpose back in April. It’s not without reason. I’m often tired and art is not the only hobby I have. A life of only work, sleep, eat, and art in a repeating cycle would be very boring and miserable in my opinion. Plus, it’s possible I may have even less free time than I already do if a certain event happens at my job. But I really do want to create more art. I follow some artists on DeviantArt who seem to pump out artwork like a machine. While I doubt I’ll ever be in that position, I would like to produce finished artwork more than two or three times a year.

I’ve decided to make a list of things I plan to buy over the next months and, related to art, I’ve decided to try to draw at least once a week. I would say every day, but I would be forcing myself on days where I’m exhausted, feeling unwell, or am stressed out, and that’ll only push me to want to throw my tablet out of my window. Even some expert artists (well, as expert as you can be on a site like DeivantArt) agree practicing every day isn’t a good idea unless you want to because it turns art into a chore and that’s exactly why I do so little of it in the first place. I know scrapping ideas is normal, but I have way too many scrapped ones. I want to finish what I start. I feel this’ll soon be a broken resolve, especially if that aforementioned event occurs, but I will try. If I can stick to a resolve not to spend, I can hopefully stick to a resolve to create.

I wonder if it’s really a good sign I feel this way about myself. Is being amazed I’m capable of simple things like restraining from spending too much a sign of my self-esteem growing, or a sign of growing an ego and thinking I deserve something for doing what I should be doing? It feels more like the latter. I don’t think I deserve anything, but feeling proud of myself undeniably feels good. I have no idea where the balance is.

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Which Priority Is Which?

I mentioned briefly in my last post I was hoping to move out by my 24th birthday next year. But lately, I’ve been considering postponing that even further.

At 23, I do not have my driver’s license. I’ve wanted it since I turned 18, but I never tried to get it because I didn’t see any point since I’d have no car to drive, and eventually, I forgot about it entirely. Lately, however, it’s been on my mind again due to my job. More specifically, because I’m gaining a growing hatred for public transportation.

The problem here is for the time being, it has to be one or the other: the apartment or the car. I feel like the answer should be obvious, yet I’m having trouble deciding which to make the priority. Both would bring me freedom I crave, but I cannot decide which advantages are worth more.

Advantages of having my own (or willingly shared) apartment:

  • My own living space
  • Living alone, or with my best friend or boyfriend
  • No smoking, drunkenness, and loud noise
  • No one touching my things without my permission (I’m fortunate my boyfriend and my best friend have manners!)
  • Not having to hear gossip or petty complaining
  • Being able to bring my boyfriend to my house almost any time (or my best friend if my boyfriend is my roommate; she’s asthmatic, so I can’t let her come to my family’s apartment)

Advantages of having a car for myself:

  • Not needing to rely on public transportation (except when I travel to visit my boyfriend)
  • More choice in where I can work
  • Less restriction on where I can travel in general
  • Shopping is easier since I don’t need to lug bags on a bus or train (even a bunch of small bags can be a nuisance)
  • More places to go with my best friend and boyfriend (these two awesome people get all the free rides they want!)
  • A small place to go when my family inside wears on my nerves. It’s illegal to live in a car, but not to sit and unwind in it for a while.
  • Aside from an auto accident or something else unforeseen, I’d never have to worry about being late for work because the bus or train is running late (and trains frequently have delays!). I use Lyft’s service in these cases, but their prices fluctuate, so it can get costly.

I’m aware having a car is more than just making monthly payments because there are expenses like repairs and maintenance. Likewise, I realize living by myself or with a roommate in an apartment is more than just the rent, as there are also utilities to pay for. In the case of the car, I still have to get my driver’s license to begin with. Plus, I’m assuming I’ll even be able to find someone to lease an apartment or a car to me (my credit history is nearly non-existent). I fully expect I’ll panic for a period of time and feel like I’m in over my head. But that happens to me with almost everything, so I’m willing to experience that and let it pass.

I’m not sure if I should be deciding which advantages are worth more, or which disadvantages are worth less. I also worry whichever I choose, I’ll regret not taking the other one, but I can’t change my mind on a whim about such a big choice (not without heavy consequences anyway).

I don’t know if this is a sign I’m still trying to fit myself into adulthood, and failing miserably at it, or I’m indecisive and nothing more.

Follow the Timeline

Way back in 2013, I made a timeline starting from 1999 (as far back as I could somewhat remember) of how my life had gone so far. It’s not happy. I can’t remember why I made it, but I suppose it was something that crept into my head during nighttime, when many of my deepest thoughts tend to surface.

With 2013 here, it’s been four years and my life certainly didn’t pause, though I had more moments than I can count of wishing it had. I mistakenly believed things would finally be good at the end of 2013. They weren’t. I don’t want to post the whole timeline here, so I’ll link it, but I will start from the very last one.

  • Age 19 (Birthday-October 2013) – Graduation; move back in with my mom and sis, therapy continues, attendance to college starts, tries to start dating
  • Age 20 (2014-2015) – Move back in with grandparents, drop out from college, job searching
  • Age 21 (2015-2016) – Still job searching, suicidal ideas return, meet my boyfriend
  • Age 22 (Late 2016 to early 2017) – Found a job, begin building my accounts
  • Age 23 (Birthday-Now) – Holding down my job, searching for a second job, continuing to save money, creating plans to move out

Hopefully, I can add I have moved by age 24. I must admit besides a desire to write things out, I’m not sure what the point of this timeline is, but it is nice to look over it and know I’ve lived this far. That’s not to say I’d be willing to do it again. Surviving once feels more than enough because aside from the typical transition to adulthood, no one should have to deal with that. But I’m glad to say I’m getting closer to where I want to be. With a lot of planning and some luck, I may be there by early 2018. That’s still a long time, but we’re already in May of 2017. In another month, the year will be half over. If I can control my spending urges, I shouldn’t have too much of a problem.

No Alcohol Here…

It’s April 27th, and what does that mean? Yes! It’s finally my birthday!! I am 21 years old! Ah, but no drinking me for me. Instead, I am celebrating with seafood. I’m going out to Red Lobster later on in the day.

In the meantime, here’s my birthday cake. Can’t wait to tear into it!

Had to scribble out the name because “Kaye” is not what’s on the cake

If you flip it around, Anna is on the other side.

Late Into the Month

This month is five days from being over, and this is my first post for it. I wish I had more interesting things to post about, but I don’t. Only updates, more or less.

I purchased Cities: Skylines, and have been playing it a lot since I bought it. It took six attempts, but I finally got a city I’m doing well with. I only wish I could fix the traffic jams. Apparently, my citizens do not understand the purpose of bridges.

I also bought an adorable Snow Glow Elsa doll! Only problem is she doesn’t have a volume control and she’s somewhat loud. But I just play with her when I’m alone so her volume doesn’t bother anyone else.

And she came with a cute little Olaf too!

Life hasn’t changed much for me. Still looking for a job, still trying to fill my time, still trying to get Sunny to have a conversation with me that’s longer than two minutes. At the minute, I’ve said nothing to him since Saturday. I usually send messages somewhat frequently for him, but I want to see if it matters and how long it’ll take before he sends me something. I know testing someone is wrong, but I don’t have any other ideas.

In the meantime, I’ve been talking a lot to my other friend I met on OKC. We met up to go see Cinderella. It was a good movie, though not much different than the other remakes. I didn’t really expect it to be. I loved Frozen Fever! I have the song on my phone, but I want to see the short again so badly! I hope they put it on iTunes! Elsa’s such a cute queen, and Anna was a sweetie, trying to make her feel better about being sick on her birthday. I still kind of wish Elsa would’ve pulled off her dress when she was swinging around the clock tower pole, but that wouldn’t be very kid-friendly. Hopefully, someone makes fan art of it.

I want to save up money to go out to Red Lobster on my birthday. No alcohol! Instead, I will have a new book and shrimp.

Meet At Six Flags, Maybe?

Next week, I’m going to Fright Fest at Six Flags. I’ll most likely be babysitting a six-year-old and some of her friends, but that’s no problem.

I told Sunny about the upcoming and wouldn’t you know? It looks like the darn stars and planets aligned because by the mother of all coincidences, he’s going to Six Flags on the same date. If we manage to find each other, it’ll be the first time we finally meet in person.

I have to admit I’m rather ecstatic about the idea. If I have the kids with me, of course, that’ll create a problem, but I’ll have a chance to return them during lunch or so and I can meet up with Sunny then. I’m secretly hoping I can spend half the day with the kids and the other half with him.

The trip is only nine days away, but now, it almost feels like an eternity. I really can’t wait! 😀

Wishful Wednesday: Hurry Out, February!

Usually, I’m in no rush for even a day to end unless it’s a bad one, but for this Wednesday, my wish is for February to hurry up and get out!

The reason is there are some things I have planned for March, when spring arrives and the weather begins to become warm. My plans probably won’t start at the very beginning of March, but I think they’ll start fairly early.

I mentioned him already, but Emmi is a part of those plans. I said I wanted to meet up when temperature rises because it’s just too cold right now.

I’m planning to do a little clothes shopping, but online instead of in a store. I found some pretty, floral, one-shoulder shirts on eBay. I’ve never been able to find one-shoulder shirts. Never seen them in any store I ever went to.

Finally, there’s a special gift I’m planning to buy. In fact, that’s the first thing I want to do. I won’t say what it is, but I am so excited about it, especially because I’m paying for it entirely. No one is helping me, so no one can complain.

I am so excited for March to come, I feel ready to burst! Honestly, I really feel like this year will be a good one. Hurry up, March!