So Simple, Yet Amazed

I amaze myself. It’s ridiculous, but I do.

I’ve managed to hold down my job. I’ve kept a steady relationship. I’ve traveled outside of the state alone. Most recently, I’m stunned at myself because I resisted using any of my credit (except for an urgent Lyft ride to work, which ended up being free) until I paid off the balance. The payment was already scheduled on my payday and tomorrow, it’ll be fully processed and my balance will be $0.00.

The reason I feel so surprised at myself for these things is they weren’t things I imagined I could do, especially restraining myself from spending. I would say to myself as long as I could get the money back and my account wasn’t at zero, spending it didn’t matter. However, that’s not a good way to think. I almost had myself in over my head with the debts I acquired from overspending. Now, I only have one small debt left to pay. On top of that, there are things I really need to spend money on, like health checkups, which I’ve put off because I despise visiting the doctor. Especially the ones that have to touch my face or lower half. Don’t touch me!

To raise my credit score, I sent for a credit card I was approved for. I don’t know when it will arrive, but it shipped earlier this week. I’ve been advised it’s best keep your credit card use under 15 to 20 percent, though I’m going with 15% to be on the safe side. The card’s limit is $200, so I have only $30 to spend every month if I truly want to keep to that limit. I don’t want the credit card to begin with, but keeping to a $30 spending limit seems impossible for me. Yet, I kept to a zero spending limit with the credit I already have through another until I could pay off the balance. If I can do that, I know I can keep my spending on that credit card under $30. Although, I must admit I feel silly about being excited I can pay bills, but that’s a different subject on its own.

Now, there’s something else I’m hoping I can amaze myself with: sticking to a self-made promise. I’ve been frustrated with myself lately because I’m very scarce when it comes to making artwork, even after purchasing a tablet for solely that purpose back in April. It’s not without reason. I’m often tired and art is not the only hobby I have. A life of only work, sleep, eat, and art in a repeating cycle would be very boring and miserable in my opinion. Plus, it’s possible I may have even less free time than I already do if a certain event happens at my job. But I really do want to create more art. I follow some artists on DeviantArt who seem to pump out artwork like a machine. While I doubt I’ll ever be in that position, I would like to produce finished artwork more than two or three times a year.

I’ve decided to make a list of things I plan to buy over the next months and, related to art, I’ve decided to try to draw at least once a week. I would say every day, but I would be forcing myself on days where I’m exhausted, feeling unwell, or am stressed out, and that’ll only push me to want to throw my tablet out of my window. Even some expert artists (well, as expert as you can be on a site like DeivantArt) agree practicing every day isn’t a good idea unless you want to because it turns art into a chore and that’s exactly why I do so little of it in the first place. I know scrapping ideas is normal, but I have way too many scrapped ones. I want to finish what I start. I feel this’ll soon be a broken resolve, especially if that aforementioned event occurs, but I will try. If I can stick to a resolve not to spend, I can hopefully stick to a resolve to create.

I wonder if it’s really a good sign I feel this way about myself. Is being amazed I’m capable of simple things like restraining from spending too much a sign of my self-esteem growing, or a sign of growing an ego and thinking I deserve something for doing what I should be doing? It feels more like the latter. I don’t think I deserve anything, but feeling proud of myself undeniably feels good. I have no idea where the balance is.

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Spirit Animal Award

I got a surprise today! MakPlays nominated me for the Spirit Animal Blog Award! I spend little time on WordPress, so I didn’t know until hours later, but I’m no less thankful. It was so kind of her!

These are the rules for the award:

  1. Post the award picture on your blog.
  2.  Write a short paragraph about yourself and what your blog means to you.
  3.  If you could be any animal, what would you be?
  4.  Pick ten nominees

A Little About Me

I already have an “About” page, but I guess a little here can’t here. My name’s Kaye, I’m in my twenties, and I was born and raised in the United States, which I question being “the greatest nation”. My hobbies are sedentary: browsing, drawing, writing, collecting, and hanging around social media. There are some active things I like to do, such as running and biking, but I’m a homebody more than anything. I don’t hate the outside and I do try to go out every so often. I’m just someone who doesn’t need to have a lot going on.

What My Blog Means To Me

Although this is a public blog, I think of it as a diary. When I first created this blog, it was out of a need to have somewhere to talk and vent on occasion. I often have a lot of things on my mind, but I’m terrible at verbally expressing them. It’s easier to write them out. I do keep explicit thoughts off here, however.

My Spirit Animal

I’m almost positive my spirit animal would be a cat. They’re introverted and independent animals, but they still enjoy affection, love, and being cared for. They’re also quirky creatures and do things that, to us humans, to make no sense (ex: “if it fits, I sits”). That’s a fairly accurate description of me.

I nominate:

As I said, I spend little time on WordPress, thus I don’t read many WordPress blogs either. I only have two nominations:

  1. NBoutWell.com – This blogger is an author who posts mainly about his projects, but also about his personal life and views on occasion. His blog is very well-written and I personally think he’s very creative and well-spoken.
  2. My Little Piece of Quiet – A blog about introversion. Most of the posts are quotes about being quiet and introverted, and I think it’s a reassuring blog for those who feel insecure about being introverted.