I Should’ve Been Quiet

This isn’t something that happened recently, but it’s something I regret to this day.

This incident was the very first of all the troubles I ever experienced with my family between both sides and while it’s possible some of them still may have happened, I feel if this particular one hadn’t, my family would’ve been a little less hectic for a few more years.

It happened in late 2006, nearly ten years ago. Besides browsing my computer, I can’t remember what else was going on. I may have had a cell phone at the time and had it with me, but I’m not certain if I was using it. I wanted to check my email and I had a message from my father. Email was how we spoke to each other at that time, so messages from were expected. The difference that time was he sent me a picture of my mom he had. Continue reading

I’m Scared

There. I said it.

What am I scared of? A lot of things, but this in particular.

I’ve been struggling so much about what to do regarding college and reading things like this only confirms my fears.

Science-related subjects are considered to be the most lucrative careers that exist.  I’ve never heard anyone speak lowly of pursuing these degrees and, in my experience, you’re told you’ll always have a job because they’re in high demand. When people say they got college degrees and still can’t find work or are stuck in dead-end jobs, it’s typically assumed they got a “useless” degree, such as something in art, philosophy, or gender studies.

This just tells me you can work hard and still not get anywhere. It seems like it doesn’t even matter. I already fear returning to college for a degree and ending up right back where I started, but what I want to major in is art-related. To go for something in STEM and still end up right back where I started? I’d kick myself for the rest of my life.

On top of that, I’ve been told there are many different paths to success, but I can only find three. Go to college, go to trade school, or find a job and work your way up. I’ve heard of trade school being more profitable than college, especially because you’re not saddled with debt for an extremely long time, but I can’t think of a single trade I’d be capable of. If web design or art/animation were a trade, I’d go for one of those, but unfortunately, they’re not. I’ve also heard, unlike college, you cannot get financial assistance for trade school. You have to pay for it out of your own pocket. I’m still unemployed, so that’s not possible. My only option is finding a job, which I am having a very hard time with.

The only thing I’m sure of right now is that I am a terrible adult. I cannot figure anything out. I’ve been an adult for three years now and I still have no clue how to be one. I’m already upset that I can’t avoid debt, meaning I will owe someone or something money for as long as I live, and I’m honestly afraid I am always going to be in this position. If I end up going back to school, I want that venture to pay off. Not to throw shots at anyone, but I do not want to end up like my mother, going back to school multiple times in an attempt to better my life and getting nowhere except into more debt.

It’s terrifying and I know adults are supposed to do everything themselves (pretty much the point of being an adult), but I wish I had someone to guide me through all of this and help me get somewhere. I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing or how I’m going to get myself anywhere except where I’m already at. I know what I want. I can’t figure out how to get it. I wish adulthood came with a manual for these situations.

Really, all I want is not to be so useless. Clearly, I’m not doing that well.

Deserves The Best

I’m not the only one with college troubles. My best friend struggled with school and, despite trying her hardest, couldn’t keep her grades satisfactory. In actuality, it’s not entirely her fault. They’re her grades, yes, but the school screwed her over more than once. I helped her write an appeal and we’re both hoping it gets approve, so she can continue attending.

I was so angry when she told me she might lose her aid and be forced to withdraw. Not only because the school screwed her over, but because she works harder than anyone I know in my personal life. I don’t want to be there, so I couldn’t care less what they do to me, but she deserves to have her dreams more than anyone because she works the hardest. Whatever help I am able to give to her, I will.

If, heaven forbid, her letter isn’t approved, she will be heartbroken and I will lose my mind.

This Makes Me Uneasy…

I know I’ve done serious posts before, but nothing like this. This actually makes me sick.

Yesterday, on one of the forums I frequent, a member posted this video. I’ll give you a heads-up before you click it. The video is of a father whipping his two teen daughters with an electrical cord for making a “twerking” (butt-shaking) video on Facebook.

I’m not a parent and have no plans to be one. I don’t feel I can judge anyone’s parenting. But watching this video just brought up bad childhood memories for me. There’s a point in the video where one of the girls shouts, “I’m sorry, Daddy!” As if seeing the punishment wasn’t enough, hearing that did it for me.

What that father did to his daughters is the same thing my mother did to me. The earliest I can remember is age seven. My mother denies any account of it happening, but my childhood isn’t that blurry. I’m not even sure if it was abuse or not because some say it is and some say it isn’t because no marks or bruises were left. I really have no idea. All I know is I now have a strong resolve of never allowing someone to hit me ever again.

I would say if it’s abuse, I hope law enforcement sees this and interferes, but I know how much worse that could make these girls’ lives. No abuser will be make their actions blatant because they know the potential consequences. Of course, it could turn out differently than what I know, but that’s not likely since these girls are teens.

I hope this doesn’t sound creepy, but I wish these girls lived near me and we were friends so I could bring them gifts or something. If they’re anything like me, they’re fine by now, but something is still lingering and I don’t mean the physical pain. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.

She’s Right and She’s Wrong

I don’t like to be serious, but there’s something I really want to talk about.

On the 1st of January, I posted about possibly being in love with my pen pal from the United Kingdom. While this post isn’t exactly about her, she’s a part of it.

My friend hasn’t been dealt the best hand in life. She has gone through a lot and still is. Back in December, she was having a really bad day. I don’t think anything in particular happened on that day. She was just fed up and feeling very frustrated with a few things. But that was the day she told me she was planning to commit suicide in the upcoming months (I know which one, specifically). As her friend, and someone who cares about people in general, I was horrified when she told me that, but moreso when she said the plans were made in October. I didn’t start speaking to her until November, which means she could’ve been dead already. That thought scares me. Fortunately, she was feeling better the next day and we were able to have a funny and friendly conversation.

Suicide didn’t come up again until last weekend. I brought it up by mentioning a post on one of my Tumblr blogs. I wasn’t intending to make her mention it, but she did and I asked her how she would carry her plans out if she were to follow through with them. Bleach and sleeping pills obtained from her doctor while her family was out. Smart girl.

One of the things I’m big on with friendship is trust. For me, that essentially means I don’t gossip about my friends and tell their business to others, even if there’s no chance they will find out. However, I was worried about her, so I mentioned her suicidal ideas to my own psychologist. I had told her before my friend was depressed and suicidal, which was a mistake because it got her called a drama queen. Today, I told how she would go about carrying her plans out if she wanted to. Now, here’s where the reason for the title of this post comes in.

Telling my friend’s plan proved how serious she was, but my clinician gave me a bad suggestion in response. She told me to tell my friend’s mother about her intentions. In any other circumstance, this would be wise, but not here for the simple reason that my friend’s mother doesn’t care about her. At least, not her mental health. She knows my friend is mentally unwell, but doesn’t help her. In fact, she harms her. I wouldn’t be able to talk to her anyway, but if I could, I wouldn’t do it. Unfortunately, my clinician didn’t understand this. While I do only have one side of the story (my friend’s), the fact of the matter is that nothing my friend could do would make her deserve being treated the way she is.

My clinician’s second suggestion was not any better. She suggested I trick my friend into giving me her address so I could tell her mother of her intentions that way. Ignoring the break in my friend’s trust that would result, I don’t trick my friends unless it’s April Fool’s Day. Of course, she said betrayal was better than death and while she may be right, there is something she just does not understand.

If my friend really wants to kill herself, she will and no one will be able to stop her. However, she doesn’t want to die. She wants to get out of her current situation. Why would I do something that could make her situation worse? She’s already hit rock bottom and is trying to climb back up. Why would I knock her back down and pull her under?

Also, as someone who’s dealt with depression and feeling suicidal, I can honestly say betrayal is not something to be taken lightly if you want to help someone. Someone who’s depressed already feels like the world is caving in on them. Broken trust is the absolute last thing needed. You can’t force someone out of depression through any means, not even professional assistance. I was forced into therapy and counseling and all that resulted was a hatred and distrust of certain authority figures. Now, yes, I’m one person, but it happens more than you might think. If it’s absolutely certain the help will be beneficial, then risk it, but otherwise, find another way unless there is imminent danger.

Simply put, this is one case where my clinician is wrong. She’s right in that my friend needs help, but wrong in her suggestions to go about it. If I can do more for my friend than talk to her and she lets me know, I will do it, but I absolutely refuse to do something that involves breaking my friend’s trust. As I said, if she genuinely wants to die, she will kill herself, regardless of who interferes or tries to and I’ll only prolong her pain. I have told her she can talk to me if she needs or wants to and if I should ever receive a “goodbye” email from her, I will be sad in knowing she won’t be here much longer, but I’ll be happy with the knowledge that she’s not in pain any longer.

And, whether or not I am in love with her, I will tell her I love her and will miss her. It wouldn’t be a lie because, platonically, I love all my friends and she is no exception.

I Can’t Un-see

Back in May, I wrote about an incident that happened between me and a teacher during my first year at my second high school. More so, I wrote about how I couldn’t let the incident go.

It hasn’t gotten better. Not only am I still angry over it, but I dread the fact that I’m even in the same building as this lady. I hate passing her in the hall, I hate when I mistakenly look at her, I hate hearing her name, I hate just thinking about her.

I have never felt so much rage, anger and hatred toward anybody. The second this lady comes within my sight, all those feelings I felt from back in June 2011 flare up again as if it was happening all over again within that tiny frame of time it takes for me to pass her.

I have much bigger concerns than her. With everything I have to worry about, she shouldn’t be on my mind at all. I should’ve forgotten about her entirely by now, especially since I liked my English teachers from last year so much and it was great. So why is it every single school day, I find myself actively trying to avoid her, secretly hoping she’s not around the next corner and wanting to fall into a black hole when it turns out she is?

Fired For Saving A Life

Yep, you read that right. Where does the stupidity end?

A lifeguard in Florida was fired for trying to save a drowning man’s life. The reason is the man was outside of his patrol zone, in an unprotected area, and the lifeguard’s employer is not paid to patrol that zone. Money over morals. Lovely.

By the time the lifeguard arrived, the man had already been pull ashore by other beachgoers.

I’m guessing there is a strict rule about vacating your patrol zone and I can understand that. But it’s not like the guard left to go have drink! He was doing what he was trained to do! Another person on the beach pointed the man drowning out to the lifeguard and he, without a second thought, went to help him. Sometimes, rules need to have exceptions.

As many of the comments point out, what if the lifeguard had refused to leave his post to try to help?  Or what if the guy had drowned? No doubt the company would be sued and the lifeguard would’ve been fired anyway! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

I sincerely hope this man finds another job and an employer with more than half a brain! As one of the commentators on the article so eloquently put it:

Real heroes are people who can see what need doing and do it without getting permission first.

I couldn’t agree more.