United, We Don’t Exist

There is one topic I have never talked about here on Kaye’s Days and never planned to: politics. Continue reading

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I Called It

I was sent a very interesting article this morning.

EA’s Origin Might Delete Games From Your Account Without Warning

I knew it. I knew it. I absolutely knew it!
Really, what else could be expected when you have no option besides virtual possession of your buys? The user the article speaks about got the removed game back, but only after going through a big hassle to do it. EA did not want to give back that game. They basically only did it because that user was persistent. And as the article notes, other users had a similar problem.

If a company decides to pull your virtual purchases, you have to hope you’re stubborn enough to fight to get them back. Otherwise, you’re out of luck. This isn’t illegal. You have no real possession of that product. The extent of your ownership is a server you have to log into. The company can take them back whenever they want and if you don’t possess the energy for persistence, your only option is to get over it and move on.

Granted, it could’ve been much worse. This user lost one game. The server could’ve been hacked or shut down, meaning all their games would’ve been lost. Something tells me that story is somewhere on the horizon, and it’s getting closer.

Now, tell me again digital download only is the best.

A Promise Isn’t A Promise

These days, it seems my avoidance of drinking alcohol, smoking, or using other drugs is less because of the promise I made to myself and more because I lack access to these things.

From observing my grandfather, it seems being an addict is a free pass to take money from everyone else after blowing all your own. You don’t have to concern yourself with their possible needs because you need their money more than them for your needs. If they temporarily have to go without, it doesn’t matter because you’re not going without. All while being in denial or not realizing you’re an addict.

I can’t say being an addict doesn’t look appealing when I judge by that view. There seems to be little unappealing about it. On top of that, the urge to start is getting stronger with each passing day.

I left home without bathing or eating this morning. Not eating breakfast isn’t unusual for me since I haven’t eaten breakfast regularly since I was 17, but not bathing is. I’ve never been frustrated to the point of not bathing, so it’s a first. All I did was put on deodorant. What’s more surprising is I really don’t care.

Yesterday, I had a dream about driving off a bridge and I feel like that’s my brain trying to tell me something I really don’t want to admit, but might be necessary. Unfortunately, my own cowardice prevents that, as it always has when I first began feeling that way several years ago, so it’ll never be reality unless it’s done by someone else’s hand. Truthfully, I feel like all of this is my fault for ever expecting my efforts to lead me anywhere and wasting my time with trying. I’d think the first decade of my life alone would mean I know better than to expect things to get better, but apparently not. To quote a character of an anime I recently watched: I was stupid. So stupid.

I may not keep that promise. It seems to be pointless. I turn to comfort food when I feel so badly, but that hasn’t been helping like it used to. Perhaps alcohol or nicotine or whatever else there is would be the better alternative. It’s certainly better than selling myself on the street, which I’ve also considered doing out of desperation. Really, I best not get into the things I’ve felt desperate enough to consider for money until I manage to find steady paid work (yes, I’m still looking, for some reason even I fail to understand).

At this point, I’m wondering how much longer I can refuse the desperation or the urges to intoxicate myself. How much longer until I finally decide it’s not worth it and break that promise?

No Worth In My Future

How ironic this should happen just a week after this post.

I had a new experience today. Being desperate to find a job, I tried my hand a temp agency that was close to me and I’d learned about from a flyer. I went yesterday, but I didn’t have my social security card, so I had to return tomorrow, but I was given the word of being sent to a particular nearby town I knew of to begin working. It sounded too good to be true to me, but as I said, I was desperate, so I agreed. Later, I asked several people if the offer sounded legitimate and everyone I asked agreed it was. So, I was hopeful.

I should’ve listened to my instincts.

I woke at 4:40 am and left my house an hour later to arrive at the agency at 6 AM, as I’d agreed. The worker there took my card and ID, and accepted them. After waiting for about a half hour and a few more people coming, there was a van ready to escort those who’d shown up to the other town to work. I was nervous, but I assumed this was how temp agencies operate. I got in the van with the others and off we went.

This is where I went wrong.

I didn’t have any reason to believe things had changed from what I was told yesterday, so I questioned nothing. However, it took me only a short time to realize that van was not going where I’d been told I’d be sent to. The passenger next to me called the worker at the agency to ask what happened and, apparently, the employer in the first city cancelled the plan to take temps. So, instead, we were going to a much farther town, which I was familiar with, but did not know my way around. I was immediately dismayed.

To top it off, too many temps had been sent, so only the ones who had previous experience with the work needed to be done were allowed to work (how in the world do you attain work experience without ever getting the chance to work?). That meant the rest of us had to be sent home. I went from dismayed to furious. The van that dropped us off was supposed to return, but I don’t know if it ever did because in the end, my family came to pick me up. I felt terrible for all the trouble I’d caused and at the moment, I still do. So much trouble, all out of desperation for work.

That is my first experience with a temp agency and it will be my last.

When I got home, I almost immediately fell asleep, but after I woke up, I laid in bed for several hours, fighting against crying. The urge to drink was extremely strong and I searched through Google for very strong alcohol brands I could hopefully purchase to intoxicate myself tonight. The intention was to get drunk enough to forget today ever happened, but if it killed me, I wouldn’t have exactly been dissatisfied. After all, when I am so incapable of doing what’s supposed to be the simplest responsibility of adulthood – hold a job – what use do I have to society?

I’ve decided to return to solely applying for jobs, but the deep truth is I’ve given up. I have no more hope of finding any employed work. I have no more hope of making something of myself. I have no more hope of being a useful adult. I don’t expect my life to change or to ever be in a position where I’m supporting myself. I wonder if my promise to myself to avoid drugs and alcohol is truly worth it because it seems I have zero to lose. My friends will eventually move on with their lives, my family will not be able to continue supporting me, and I’ll be left behind. There is really nothing at all I have to lose. Of course, I’d need money to obtain alcohol to begin with, so I couldn’t do so much as an addiction correctly.

There is a hole in my heart from this knowledge and I’ll never be able to fill it. I will die with it. I don’t expect to live out of my twenties. But it may be for the better. I have nothing to offer. Why am I still here? Why should I be here?

Death Threats?

Now, here’s something very perplexing to me.

I’ve returned to regularly using Tumblr and a topic that occasionally comes up is Cartoon Network’s reboot of The Powerpuff Girls. My feelings on it can be summed up in two words: it sucks. I’m not going to go into why, however, because this post isn’t intended to be about that.

Someone asked a blogger I follow if it’s okay they like the reboot because they received a death threat from someone who doesn’t like it. The blogger assured them it certainly was okay and went on to say they’d also received death threats for not liking the reboot.

That is something wildly strange to me. It’s one thing to have disagreements and even arguments, but threatening someone? I understand losing your temper – heaven knows my head is hotter than a boiling kettle – but at my worst, I’ve never threatened somebody. Let’s not forget this is a cartoon! No one’s life or well-being is at stake. It’s not a necessity. It’s something purely meant for entertainment. I’ve heard of the “stop having fun” crowd, but sending death threats crosses a huge, red line.

To me, it just begs the question: Why do some people take cartoons and other things meant only for entertainment so seriously? Why does saying “I like this” or “I don’t like this”, or praising or criticizing something occasionally seem to be equal to setting off a bomb? I’ve never encountered such people in my personal life and, frankly, I’m afraid to. I’m not suggesting I think they’re truly dangerously people, but I imagine they’re people who are hard to have fun with or speak to if you don’t agree with their way of thinking.

Maybe it’s only a blind moment of rage, but death threats are so common on Tumblr, it’s hard to believe everyone who does has only done it once. Even if that was the case, it’s still strange someone would fly into rage because someone else liked something they didn’t or vice versa. If someone goes on to insult people who feel differently, the anger is understandable, although it still wouldn’t justify death threats. Merely liking or disliking something? Overreaction.

My best guess is it’s the anonymity of the internet. You can be anyone and anything online and unless you eventually reveal yourself, no one will ever know you’re lying or be able to call you out. To my knowledge, death threats are illegal, but chances are you won’t be able to trace an anonymous message far back enough to find the person and have them charged. It probably wouldn’t be worth it anyway. Knowing that, the people who send death threats over such trivial matters probably feel safe and, thus, have no regard for the intended recipient of their message.

It doesn’t help Tumblr’s staff does a horrendous job of moderating the site. Hate and vitriol are part of any of social network, sadly, but Tumblr’s is beyond anything I’ve ever encountered on any other website. This is a website with a shoplifting fandom, for crying out, and it’s completely acceptable to be bigoted and hateful for no reason besides looking for a target. I can only assume the website is so out of control, moderation is almost useless. I’ve read the site wasn’t always that way and didn’t start going downhill until 2011, but I wouldn’t know since I joined the site in 2012. I guess I missed its prime time.

I Should’ve Been Quiet

This isn’t something that happened recently, but it’s something I regret to this day.

This incident was the very first of all the troubles I ever experienced with my family between both sides and while it’s possible some of them still may have happened, I feel if this particular one hadn’t, my family would’ve been a little less hectic for a few more years.

It happened in late 2006, nearly ten years ago. Besides browsing my computer, I can’t remember what else was going on. I may have had a cell phone at the time and had it with me, but I’m not certain if I was using it. I wanted to check my email and I had a message from my father. Email was how we spoke to each other at that time, so messages from were expected. The difference that time was he sent me a picture of my mom he had. Continue reading

I’m Scared

There. I said it.

What am I scared of? A lot of things, but this in particular.

I’ve been struggling so much about what to do regarding college and reading things like this only confirms my fears.

Science-related subjects are considered to be the most lucrative careers that exist.  I’ve never heard anyone speak lowly of pursuing these degrees and, in my experience, you’re told you’ll always have a job because they’re in high demand. When people say they got college degrees and still can’t find work or are stuck in dead-end jobs, it’s typically assumed they got a “useless” degree, such as something in art, philosophy, or gender studies.

This just tells me you can work hard and still not get anywhere. It seems like it doesn’t even matter. I already fear returning to college for a degree and ending up right back where I started, but what I want to major in is art-related. To go for something in STEM and still end up right back where I started? I’d kick myself for the rest of my life.

On top of that, I’ve been told there are many different paths to success, but I can only find three. Go to college, go to trade school, or find a job and work your way up. I’ve heard of trade school being more profitable than college, especially because you’re not saddled with debt for an extremely long time, but I can’t think of a single trade I’d be capable of. If web design or art/animation were a trade, I’d go for one of those, but unfortunately, they’re not. I’ve also heard, unlike college, you cannot get financial assistance for trade school. You have to pay for it out of your own pocket. I’m still unemployed, so that’s not possible. My only option is finding a job, which I am having a very hard time with.

The only thing I’m sure of right now is that I am a terrible adult. I cannot figure anything out. I’ve been an adult for three years now and I still have no clue how to be one. I’m already upset that I can’t avoid debt, meaning I will owe someone or something money for as long as I live, and I’m honestly afraid I am always going to be in this position. If I end up going back to school, I want that venture to pay off. Not to throw shots at anyone, but I do not want to end up like my mother, going back to school multiple times in an attempt to better my life and getting nowhere except into more debt.

It’s terrifying and I know adults are supposed to do everything themselves (pretty much the point of being an adult), but I wish I had someone to guide me through all of this and help me get somewhere. I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing or how I’m going to get myself anywhere except where I’m already at. I know what I want. I can’t figure out how to get it. I wish adulthood came with a manual for these situations.

Really, all I want is not to be so useless. Clearly, I’m not doing that well.